Glow-In-The-Dark Chicken AIDS

I look forward to thoroughly fucking up my children. My wife and I were watching Sons of Anarchy, and there is a scene where a son is asking his father for financial assistance. The father tells his son, "Son, you need to grow some balls, do your business, and quit whining." Keep in mind that these are two people in the same biker gang. I cannot wait to have that type of talk with my kids. "Child, you need to grow some balls, do your business, and get your homework done. That equation isn't going to integrate itself." Someone asked what I would say if we have a daughter. I simply replied, "Daughter, your going to have to work harder than the boys if you want to be successful in life. That sucks, so you might as well get used to it. Now go calculate your fucking derivatives, or I'll have your mother start teaching you math." The humor is that I plan to threaten the kids to have their mother teach them math, regardless of what they do. Actually, the humor is that my wife will teach them math. They have no choice. Those kids are going to be calculating differential equations before they even know how to walk.

I joke about all of that. Kinda. Not really. Our kids are screwed. At least we can get a good chuckle from it. Fuck you. Don't judge me. Have you ever noticed that people like to say, "Only G-d can judge me!", right before they go and do something stupid? I always want to say, "Yes, and I am pretty sure G-d will agree that you're being a dumb-ass." Of course, then people have their feelings hurt. At the same time, you shouldn't go and get a tattoo in Rio, and then swim in the water. That's how you get the Zikka AIDS. And nobody wants the Zikka AIDS.

Speaking of AIDS, my wife told me a truly terrible story. It's funny, but in the "that's fucked up" way.  On a related note, I tend to have a fucked up sense of humor. So much so, that I asked a buddy if he wanted to know something funny. His first response was, "'Haha' funny, or your kind of 'fucked up' funny?" My wife's story falls somewhere in between. She was telling me of a student in China that was trying to use a tracer to map some biological process in chickens. In order to do so, they wanted to use a glow-in-the-dark tracer dye. The problem was that the chickens' immune systems would attack and eliminate the dye before it could fully permeate the body. As a result, they decided to give the chickens AIDS. The student figured out that they could attach the dye to the AIDS virus. While the immune system started fight with the AIDS, the dye would permeate through the body.

Now let me take a moment to summarize. The student was giving chickens glow-in-the-dark AIDS. The unfortunate part, however, was administering the virus. Evidently the student was holding onto the bird, while the assistant administered the virus with a syringe. Because chickens do not like AIDS, the bird was struggling. When the assistant administered the shot, the bird moved and the student was inoculated instead. That's right. The glow-in-the-dark chicken AIDS was inserted into the student's hand. As a result, his hand started to glow in the dark, and he was confirmed to have the AIDS virus. That is where this becomes one of those fucked up, but kinda funny stories. On the one hand, the student had a glow-in-the-dark hand. On the other hand, the student had nothing. That hand did not get hit with the virus.

I know I should not laugh, but the idea of it is so absurd that it is hard not to. One, it shows the dedication of a desperate graduate student, if they are willing to get glow-in-the-dark AIDS, in the name of their degree. Two, they not only got AIDS, but glow-in-the-dark AIDS. Their hand literally became their night-light. It's like the Incredible Hulk meets Spider-Man, but in a fucked up, non-superhero type of way. This student will forever be known as the guy with the glow-in-the-dark chicken AIDS. Evidently the school paid a metric fuck tonne of money to help treat the virus. Of course, that required heavy doses of chemo-therapy, and the student lost his hair and was sick. So basically, the student was given the choice of having glow-in-the-dark AIDS, or chemo-therapy and misery for the rest of his life. How the fuck do you make that type of decision?

Anyways. The moral of the story is that Sons of Anarchy is an enjoyable show. Oh, and my wife and I are going to rock the shit out of parenting.