Baby Daddy 16: The Birds and the Bees

As a follow-up to the "No Means No" post, I thought I would share some stream of thought on the birds and the bees talk. Because we are having a son, my wife has informed me that I am responsible for making sure he understands the birds and the bees. Now I will tell you the problem I have with this. It is not that I am responsible for having this talk. That makes sense. My problem is that I do not understand the analogy. I mean, I understand the general premise, I think. Birds lay eggs, much like women have eggs. Bees have stingers, much like men have penises. But beyond that, I get lost. You don't see bees mating with birds. Even if you did, it's not like the bee stings the bird and suddenly the bird lays an egg. In fact, I cannot think of a single time anyone or anything actively sought to be stung. That's a lie. There was a stupid research project that tested the most painful places on the body to get stung. But except for that dumb motherfucker, nobody actively tries to get stung. Even bees don't like stinging anything. That's how they die. Wasps, on the other hand, are just mean. They are like the rapists of the bee community. They just come up and sting the shit out of you. It hurts and leaves psychological scarring. Fuck wasps. Dicks.

But seriously, the whole birds and bees metaphor does not make sense to me. I also am responsible for explaining sexual fluidity to my son. And before you think, "Eww, gross!", I am not talking about sexual fluids. I am talking about the various types of orientation. That part does not bother me as much. I have enough friends, with enough range in the spectrum, that it should be relatively easy.

One thing that I do want to do is fuck with the kid. As I have mentioned before, I was on the unfortunate end of a stabbing. As a result, I have a few scars on my torso. When I have the sex talk with my boy, I want to tell him that men are the ones that give birth. I want to tell him that, through intercourse, the egg actually transmits to the male. Once the baby is ready to be born, they have to cut the child out of the man. I cannot wait to see how confused my son is, when we start expecting our second child.

Moral of the Story: "The Birds and the Bees" don't make sense to me. Wasps need to read my "No Means No" post, and I want to potentially destroy my son's understanding of where babies come from.