What the Shit, China? 4: Left-Over Women and Weak-Ass Men

What the shit should I write about? I don't have a single fucking clue. Let's see what comes to mind. My wife shared a video with me about China. Evidently they are mega-fucked up. I learned that women who are not married before the age of 30 are considered "left-over women". Parents will then write up a resume about the girls, and tape the resume to an area in a local park. People then go to the park and play matchmaker/pimp. As you can imagine, this is tremendously difficult for the woman.

(Warning: This video is somewhat emotional. Also, use subtitles.)

Now, when my wife told me about this, I told her that the "left-over" woman is better being single, than she is with a "microwave" man. My wife asked what I meant, and I explained. When I hear "left-over", I think of food. I get the image of dry, chewy, left-over meatloaf. That's not pleasant. Following the meal metaphors, I started think of the "microwave" man. The idea is that the man is a one of those microwave meals. It is a fast meal, that serves the purpose, but lacks the overall substance to be truly fulfilling. A woman marring a "microwave" man is like eating a pepperoni Hot Pocket, instead of eating a pepperoni pizza. Yes, it has the same general ingredients - and yes, it has the same general taste - but you know damn well that nothing can replace that pizza. "Microwave" men are the Hot Pockets of the pizza world.

On a related note, I think of Jim Gaffigan whenever someone references Hot Pockets. Hearing/watching this skit takes on a whole new level of humor, after I made my joke. It did for me, at least.

Speaking of "microwave" men, Chinese men need to step the fuck up. Now I will say, I do not actually know if all Chinese men follow the stereotype that my wife has shown me. But from what I have witnessed in Chinese pop culture, China prefers their men to look like women, and their women to look like skeletons. So many Chinese people seem to hate the idea of a fit, muscular man. When Justin fucking Bieber is too big, and stronger than the Chinese "ideal", there is a fucking problem.

(I mean, yes Bieber has been training. That said, he is no Dwayne Johnson.)

I cannot help but wonder if the reason for the terrible body-standards on women is because the men are so fucking weak. If you compare a mature stock of corn to a mature tree, the tree is stronger. If you compare that same stock to a blade of grass, the corn is stronger. I cannot help but wonder if Chinese men are the corn, and are demanding the women to be the grass. A pleasant side note is that this analogy also would allow for the fact that Chinese men seem to have the right to walk all over Chinese women. Because fuck equality, am I right?

One of my wife's friends had a boyfriend that was so small, he accidentally mistook her pants for his. Not only that, but her pants were loose on him. Meanwhile, I have to buy pants one size too large, simply to get my ass and quads to keep from busting a fucking seem. I honestly cannot fathom a culture where weakness is sought after. I can understand the idea of not pursuing strength. That's fair. In this day and age, people do not need to be strong to survive/provide. That said, who actively tries to get weaker? I mean shit. If that's the ideal, all they have to do is go to Hebei province and take a deep breath. I'm sure the pollution would be enough to give people some cancer or one of the hepatitis letters.

(That's a real photo of people training Tai-Chi in Hebei. The fog is pollution. See? Hep. All the hep.)

Moral of the Story: I don't believe in the concept of "left-over" women, I will now refer to shitty men as "microwave" men or Hot Pockets, and I don't think strength should ever be considered a weakness.