Ah, yes!!! I finally have another Baby Daddy story. And the topic for today? Shit is getting real! My wife and I just started birthing classes. Now the good thing is that the classes are designed more for me, than they are for her. My wife's job is pretty easy. She goes into labor, goes to the hospital, gets an epidural, and wakes up with a baby. Don't get me wrong, that labor part is going to be hard as shit, but it is a straight forward job. My job, however, is less so. As a partner, I am supposed to provide relief, motivation, support, and strength throughout the process. Now as a personal trainer, I know how to do some of that. In particular, I know how to work with a person and motivate them to push through their perceived boundaries. As a husband, however, I don't know shit about what I am doing.
That is where these classes come in. With the first class, I learned techniques to give my wife relief for back pain. I also learned certain techniques for how to lend support, as she goes into labor. What I also learned is that giving birth will be a very intense experience. I always knew it would be - how else would you expect to push a person out of your body - but I had never seen it. Unfortunately, I can no longer say that. During our first class, we got to see a natural birthing video for a 20-hour labor. Ho-ly Shit. That was a fucking intense show.
First of all, I liked that the video showed the husband taking a short nap. Why? Because there is no way in hell that I am going to be napping while my wife is in labor. Our hospital has a Starbucks in the lobby. The day my son is born, that Starbucks is likely to make $100-200 dollars off of me. I mean, seriously. I'mma crack myself the fuck out on caffeine for this event. My son's first memory of his father is going to be seeing his bloodshot eyes and jittery hands. The nurse may not actually be able to hand me the child. With the amount of coffee I plan to drink, there is a very real concern that my trembling hands would result in my inadvertently shaking the baby. Evidently that's frowned upon?
Something else I learned: while my wife is not supposed to have much solid food, she is allowed to have some. Or rather, science has shown that there is not an issue with her having very small, light snacks to maintain strength. I told my folks about this, and they said they were on it. My mom told me that, while I will have the bag for my wife, they will have the bag for us. They are going to pack cigars and bourbon, and will pick up a rotisserie chicken on the way up. God help the nurse that tries to come between my parents and their attempt to take care of us.
And the final bit that I learned? I am most assuredly going to vomit on my child. That's right. My son's first experiences with me will likely be to see my bloodshot devil-eyes, an earthquake from my caffeine tremors, and then an bile-bath from my puking. Why? Because HAVE YOU FUCKING SEEN A NATURAL BIRTH!?!?! Don't get me wrong, I recognize the natural beauty of childbirth. But even so, holy fucking shit!!! All these people fighting over birth control and contraceptives are fucking dumb. You want to prevent teen pregnancy, show middle school and high schools students a birthing video! I guarantee that they will never look at sex the same way again! Turn off the lights, tell them to watch a video on birth control, and then show a woman in labor push a child out of them.
(Unless you film that shit. In which case, no it fucking doesn't.)
Now I know that my son's birth will be different. One, my wife is going to be doped up worse than the Russian Olympic weightlifting team (yes, it's an old reference. Fuck you, I don't have a more current doping scandal). Two, I know that neither my wife nor I will be seeing anything below the waist. Even so, that shit is fucking intense! When we saw the video, my wife turned to me and said that it was good she was already preggers before we saw it. Otherwise our genetic lines would be done.
Moral of the Story: Unless my wife decides to go the natural route, fuck natural births. Also, show kids birthing videos and you will effectively end procreation as we know it.
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