Baby Daddy 23: "Did He Just Move?"

Here is an interesting little tidbit of information. You can feel a baby from outside of the woman's body. Now I know what you are thinking: "Duh, it's called kicking. Stupid." Well fuck you. Yes there's kicking, but there's more. The other night, our son was kicking like a son-of-a-gun. I don't know what his deal was, but he did not like the idea of my wife sleeping. At one point, he straight up bladder kicked her. I haven't seen my wife jump out of bed that quickly in weeks! I can't help but wonder if he doesn't also kidney-punch her from time to time, causing some back ache.

That part is not as important, however, as what happened later in the night. Because our boy was kicking so much, I put my hand on the areas where he was kicking. While we originally thought my son was being an asshole (like his ol' man), we now believe that I have a calming effect on our boy. Anytime he gets fussy, I talk to him and put my hand on my wife's belly. Suddenly the kid calms down and my wife is able to rest. Well, something new happened. That night that the baby was kicking, I put my hand on my wife's belly. I pressed firmly, making sure that he could feel me. The area I was pressing was firm, which I assumed was because my hand was resting against my wife's hip-flexors and lower abdominal muscles.

Then it moved. 

Okay, let's be calm. I asked my wife if she had moved, or if the baby moved. She said she felt the baby start moving away from my hand. I asked if she felt his leg move from where my hand was, and she said yes. HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT! I was not resting against my wife's muscles. I was resting AGAINST MY CHILD"S LEG!!! Do you have any idea how fucking creepy that is?! I couldn't move. My hand was literally frozen in place, trying to comprehend the fact that I TOUCHED MY SON"S LEG! I FELT MY BOY MOVE! And not that bullshit "oh he kicked" move, but a goddamn moving LEG! Being the smooth person that I am, I immediately started to hyperventilate - yelling "holy shit" with each exhale. I thought a nasty cut or scrape would make my butt quiver. My reaction after feeling my son move was on another level. I actually think my tushy quivered to the point that I pulled a muscle.

Moral of the Story: My wife has lost some of her confidence in my readiness to be a father.