Baby Daddy 29: It's The Final Countdown

HOLY SHIT!!!!! Where the fuck is that countdown music!? Oh wait, here it is:

Yes, that's a shitty quality clip from Arrested Development. No, I couldn't find a better clip. Fuck you, it's the best I got. And it does't fucking matter. WHY!? Because it's the final countdown! That's right! Last week, my wife and I went to the doctor. They said that the baby was making his way out and will be born in one, maybe one and a half, weeks. Now that wasn't a big deal, until we realized that this is 7-10 days! HOLY SHIT! My wife is already starting to dilate. I asked the doctor if he felt the baby, to which he said, "Yep. I was able to touch the top of his head." My wife and I both immediately bowed over and heaved. Here's an example:

Now this is a longer clip and includes a lot of added fluff, but my wife and I basically had the same dry-heave type of experience. Shortly thereafter, we each panicked and started getting shit ready. It turns out that you can pack an emergency hospital bag very quickly, when the time comes. We got all of our shit packed up, as much as we could, and then chose to tell our parents.

This is where everything took a turn. You see, my folks are traveling to New Orleans, and leave tomorrow. My mother-in-law flies in on Wednesday night. So now we have two different reactions. My folks want the child to be born before they leave. Every time I talk to them, they ask if my wife has gone into labor. When I tell them "no", they tell me that my wife needs to get up and move around to make the kid drop quicker. My mother-in-law, on the other hand, is the opposite. My wife talks to her and the first question is, "Did baby come out, yet?" When my wife says "no", my mother-in-law says good. Lay down and keep him in until I get there. We literally have one mother wanting my wife to stand on her head, and another wanting her to jump on a pogo stick.

What's more, they are both praying. My mother-in-law is praying to Jesus that the kid does not come before she gets there, and another praying to G-d that the kid comes before she leaves. That's right. This debate is turning into a battle of prayer. Who will win: Jesus, or G-d? I can picture it now...

Jesus: "Hey Pops, that kid really shouldn't be born until his grandmother gets to the US."
G-d: "No....I think he'll be born early."
Jesus: "Don't be a dick, Dad. Aren't you supposed to be all loving and all benevolent?"
G-d: "Boy, have you even read my memoirs? You're the nice one, not me. Don't believe me? Go talk to Pharaoh. I fucked his shit up!"
Jesus: "You damn it. This is different."
G-d: "You're just bitter over the whole 'I slept with my mom' thing."
Jesus: "No, I'm more pissed that you left me hanging....on a fucking cross."
G-d: "Me damn it, how often will you keep bringing that up?"

Moral of the Story: I may be going to hell. Also, I'm hoping the child is born on Wednesday morning. Both sets of grandparents would be unhappy, insuring that our son is born a disappointment. It would also give me a tremendous chuckle.

  

(And no, I don't believe in Jesus as the Lord and Savior. But it does make for funny stories.)