Baby Daddy 29.5: Civilize The Mind, But Make Savage The Body

Ah yes, it is time for another post. And what am I talking about today? One of my favorite quotes. I don't actually know who said, "Civilize the mind, but make savage the body." I do know that they were absolutely correct. Now why is this fresh in my mind? Because I had my Krav Maga Level 2 certification test on Monday. Now the test itself was great. I had to disarm guns, fight people, etc. The best part, however, was that I was able to do "scenario" training. This is when the instructors all group up in the hallway and try to simulate "real world" shit. Now true, it's hard to simulate a real threat when you recognize the people. It is also hard to simulate a threat in a church hallway. Unless you're used to hateful Christians, in which case it makes perfect sense.

Didn't know I was a lesbian, did ya? On a semi-related note, my grandfather once announced that he was a lesbian. Evidently he took a quiz in Cosmo magazine, and "aced the damn thing". But I digress. The first simulation was to simply walk down the hallway. As I'm walking, I see people with knives and guns. Regardless, I kept going. I made it most of the way through, until there was someone distraught, asking for their cat. Eventually they decided to start the combat, and everything was done. I later found out that the instructors were expecting me to attack within the first several seconds. Little did they know that almost all of my friends carry knives, and most carry guns. It seemed silly to peck a fight with someone carrying heat, when they had not actually show intent to use said weapon.

Then I had the opportunity to run a different scenario. For this one, however, they gave me a large pad to carry. They gave me the pad, and said, "Here. To prepare you for parenthood, this is your child." Evidently, when my kid is involved, I elect to follow the more savage approach. Mind you this was a simulation, but damn did it trigger some reality.

As I am walking down the hall, a guy points a gun at me and asks for my wallet. I say that's fine, here you go. No problem. Then the guy says he wants my kid. That, I cannot allow. Two other people come up, looking to take the kid. I slowly move up on the guy, focusing on the gun, while I keep the others in the corner of my eye. As soon as they move, I grab the gun and pin it to the guy's side. I turn in, yelling to my son (the pad), "Hit him! Hit him, child! Claw the fuck outta him!"

While still controlling the gun, I turn and kick the other two people. I strip the gun from the man's hand, turn, and swing it like a club. I had enough wherewithal to pull the swing enough to miss his head. With that said, I beat the shit out of his fingers. There was a brief pause to make sure he was okay, which the guy was. He also asked if he can be presumed unconscious, and I confirmed that my original intent was to knock him the fuck out. The two other people are still there, and I turn the gun on them. I found an empty room and backed in, while holding the others at gun point. I closed the door, check the child, and verified that the pistol was ready to fire. Keep in mind that this was all fake equipment.

At that point, I found out that they expected me to walk much further down the hall. Someone came by the window and confirmed, "Yep, he's ready for a firefight." One person knocked, and I calmly asked, "WHO THE FUCK IS IT?" They responded, "Jehovah's Witness." I proceeded to yell, "I'm Jewish, go away." The scenario ended when someone tried to barge in and I "shot" them.

There was a follow up session, where several of the female instructors discussed what I should do if a woman comes up to take the child. They said, "This is not a safe environment for the baby. Let me take him to safety." I kindly responded that the child was safe with me, and safe with his mother, and that nobody else would be coming near him.

And that's when I realized that, as a soon-to-be father, I pity anyone that messes with my wife and kid(s). I hate using the phrase "my wife", or "my child", because it invokes too much control or "ownership". At the same time, I learned that they are a very easy trigger to insure that I tap into my most savage self. I was civilized enough to pull some attacks, but even attacking at "half-strength" is a hard fucking hit.

I don't know what has happened, since that test, but I have become more "aware". I have grown far more cognizant of the environment around me, and have taken far more strides toward preventative measure. I am not yet carrying a pistol, but I do take stock of the people around us. I do keep an eye on the exits, and keep a closer eye on all other people. I don't know if this comes form my Krav training, or if it is more due to the child being born soon. All I know is that I turning into a Papa Bear, and the little, old Russian woman in the back of my head is saying, "See. I told you. Strong like bear."

Moral of the Story: I'm certified for Level 2 in Krav Maga. Also, I looked up the quote. Turns out it was said by Chairman Mao. Not sure how I feel about that, seeing as how Mao was something of a dick, but the quote still stands.