Baby Daddy 30: Nesting as Fuck

Alright! Time for a story. As you know, it's the final countdown. And as a result, everybody...everybody...is nesting as fuck right now. I mean, holy shit. My mother-in-law has flown into town. She has been so incredibly worried about missing the birth of the baby that she has stopped sleeping. She's got that cracked out grandma look in her eye. If her flight had been delayed at all, she'd have gone into a proper grandma rage. In order to prepare our child for learning Chinese, my in-laws bought several books.

One is an animal book. The only problem is that it is a Chinese animal book. Don't get me wrong, it's great. It has animals like "lion", "cow", "zebra", and "Chinese crested tern". That's right. This book has the basic animals, and all ornithological classifications. Then there is another book that is literally titled, "You Can't Tear or Rip This Book". I don't even know what the fuck is in it, but they pride themselves on being indestructible. Naturally, I plan to train our boy to rip that shit apart.

There was a third book, which had plastic wrapping all over. My wife asked her mother why she bought that book, and the mother said that other kids had touched all of the other books. My wife said, "of course they did. Those other books were good. You never buy the thing that nobody wants to play with." I can't argue. It would be like kids rubbing their dirty little paws all over the cookies, and so you decide to give your child broccoli. Yes, it's clean and untouched. It's also bitter with the taste of disappointment.

The final book was one that had a bunch of colors. Evidently my in-laws have friends that use that shake that book when the kid is crying, so that the child will be transfixed. To be fair, it would not take a ton of drugs for me to be hooked on it. It looks like Picasso tripped some acid and started drawing fruit.  That's okay, though. The important thing is that our kids are going to know how to say "apple" in Chinese. (Hint: it's pronounced: 'ping guo').

My wife, on the other hand, is nesting in a very different way. I got home last Thursday, and my wife had come home from the store. Not just any store, but Costco. She bought 24 blueberry muffins, as a buy-one-get-one sale. Her logic was, "When baby comes out, I will not be able to bake muffins for breakfast, so I bought blueberry muffins for breakfast, because we need to have breakfast and I will not be able to bake the muffins. I also bought muffins for my mom, so that she can have muffins, because she wants to take care of me and cannot cook her own muffins." Keep in mind that my wife hasn't baked muffins for breakfast in her entire goddamn life. I don't know if they even have muffins in China, let alone blueberry muffins.

My folks, on the other hand, have been relatively mild. Short of starting each call with, "No baby?", they don't seem to be too anxious for this child. On the other hand, they did leave a conference in New Orleans to drive home. Three days early. They hadn't even unpacked their bags. I'm not sure if they even stopped to use the restroom on their drive back. Come to think of it, I'm fairly impressed that they didn't end up with kidney stones.

As for me? I got all of my work done a month in advance, so that I can leave the office any time and go straight to the hospital.

(I just thought this meme was funny. Because Superman.)

Moral of the Story: Everyone is excited for this child, and he's still not born yet. Oh, and I now have picture books to help me learn Chinese.