Baby Daddy 31/What the Shit China 7: Grumpy Pigs and Movies

So it has come to this. Over the weekend, we saw every single sign that the baby was coming. There was dropping. There were plugs. There were contractions. There was everything. I actually thought the day was going to be on Saturday. At one point, my wife called her mother because she was grumpy. In fact, she was borderline mega-pissed. That's a lie. But she was incredibly irritable. When she asked my mother-in-law about it, my wife learned that the baby was close to coming. Evidently, when pigs become mothers, they have a tendency to be aggressive towards other pigs.

Now I know what you may be thinking. One, that ain't kosha. Two, how the shit does my mother-in-law know this? Well, as it turns out, this is common knowledge in China. Evidently, during the cultural revolution, Chairman Mao decided to make all of the educated people work and study on the farms. As a result, my mother-in-law had to leave college for a brief time and work on a farm that had pigs. That's how a lot of Chinese people learned about the "bird and the bees". Except it was "pigs in heat". Because China. And Communism. Also, I wrote that as a direct quote, but I just made it up. I really want to make a pun about pigs in a blanket, but that makes me hungry for hot dogs. Beef, of course.

But this allows me to lead to the next part, which is the desperation. My wife and I have started scheduling shit so that it may tempt Murphy's Law into triggering labor. On Friday, we went to see Logan. It's a great movie. Without too many spoilers, I will say that it is very clearly Hugh Jackman and Patrick Stewart's last X-Men movie. I can also say that I saw a great deal of my parenting style in Logan. Some of our friends asked if I intend to raise our child to be a weapon and I very immediately said, "Yes".

We then had a friend over on Saturday. Why? One, we didn't actually expect the person to show up. Two, we figured it might trigger labor. Instead, I learned boxing technique and taught the person how to go through a gun disarm. I also learned that this person will very likely get shot during a mugging. Evidently they are highly combative. Around this time, my wife started struggling with the whole "get this baby out" mentality and started Googling foods that would either trigger labor or trigger an abortion. As it turns out, they are pretty much the same. It just depends on the trimester. Who knew? Also, I made that last part up.

And then we decided to see Get Out. One, everyone should see it. I have not seen a truly great suspense thriller like that in years. I don't know if there as been one so perfectly executed since the 90's. It didn't even require an extreme level of gore. We also thought it would scare the baby out, and make for a funny story. My wife was tired though, so she took a nap instead.

Moral of the Story: China's sex education program was based on pigs. Also, go see Logan and Get Out. Great movies that awkwardly summarize our feelings toward the pending birth of our child.

(If I used this meme before, then fuck you. It's still true.)