Brad and Noelle Got Hitched

That's right, it happened. One, I posted and did not let three months go by. Two, Brad and Noelle got hitched. Now to be fair, they got legally hitched back in January/February. But last weekend, they got ceremonially hitched. And do you know what they did? They held the ceremony at the goddamn zoo. Do you have any idea how fucking cool that is?! They had an opportunity to feed fucking giraffes!! That's right, live giraffes! And man do they have long-ass tongues. I mean, I had read and heard that they did. But holy shit! I learned this first hand, when I was holding a carrot "out of reach". Little did I know that the tall motherfucker would stick his tongue out, reach a foot down, and yank that sumbitch out of my fingers. Not going to lie, he licked me in the process. I gotta tell you, giraffe tongue feels like sandpaper.

Yeah, that's right, I had a derby and a cane. And yes, that's also right, I got glutes that you can bounce a nickel off of. You know it's a good day when your wife takes a picture, comes up to show you said picture, and comments about how you got "dat ass". And for the record, I can help you get "dat ass". It's real easy, if you know what the secret ingredient is. Here's a hint: sweat. It's sweat. Also training. But I digress. That giraffe was awesome, though.

They also had a red panda exhibit. If I were the zoo, I'd have chained the door to the re panda exhibit. It would be remarkably easy to just hop the glass and have a pet panda. And gosh are they adorable. Seriously. When they get angry, they stand on their hind legs and stick their front paws in the air. What they consider an intimidating threat, I consider an invitation for a hug.

The rest of the celebration was pretty tame. They had an open bar. Considering how many times I went back for straight tequila, I'm impressed that I wasn't cut off. The same goes for my wife, and whatever-the-fuck she was drinking. It was orange with red in the bottom. Looked delicious. And based on how quickly we both got plowed, you could tell that we were finally out for a night without the kid. You know what they say, "When the kid goes to Nai-Nai's, the parents get schwasty-facedd. 

Beyond that, the night was generally tame. Noelle commented that she knew Brad was "The One" when she was playing a video game and he brought her soup, and left without saying a word. Romance. And so that's it.

Moral of the Story: Brad and Noelle are hitched, and I imagine that giraffe was a real hit with the ladies, back in high school. Or at least auditioned for KISS.