Avocado Bullshit

Alright. It has been a long time since I have had the will to take up the good fight for something. Why? Because I am a new father and I am too tired to give two fucks about much of anything. With that said, my fire has been sparked, and I am ready for war. And on what? Goddamn avocados.

It should be noted that my wife and I bought avocados a week or so ago. Because they were fresh, they were still hard as a rock. Insert penis joke....here. There you go, that's all you get. On with the war. Because they are fresh and far from ripe, we thought we would get a couple that were ready to eat. As a result, we went to Publix. That's a lie. We went to Publix to buy some groceries, and I happened to think about getting the avocados.

So we're walking around, and a guy asks if he can help, and I say that we want the avocados. He points out this new type of avocado, and says that they are both ripe and most people like them more than the originals. Now let me tell you something. DO NOT BUY THOSE BULLSHIT AMATEUR AVOCADOS!

First, those motherfuckers look like gourds. They are called "Tall Avocados" and are from California, and boast to be a fraction of the fats and a fraction of the calories. What they are, is bullshit. They don't taste like avocados, they don't have the same consistency, and the whole point of the avocado is that it FUCKING HAS FATS! Literally, they are a superfood because they have a fuck-tonne of nutrients and the healthy-ass fats to transport those nutrients into the body. But goddamn California had to fuck around with their Hollywood diet bullshit, modify the fuck out of the species, and come out with some bullshit. It distinctly has no taste, and squishy texture, and less nutritious benefit.

California needs to get the fuck off their bullshit, and start making avocados the way they were meant to be made: from Mexico, with whatever GMO-hormone-steroid-cocaine treatments that the Mexicans used to make them delicious. I had to throw away guacamole. Do you have any idea how sinful that is? That shit turned black before I even finished mixing it! And guacamole should not turn that black! Holy goddamn was it gross! I added salt to try to fix it, and it tasted like salt! But not just salt, like a butter textured salt. Do you know how I describe the taste? Like bullshit. California bullshit.

Avocados should not look like gourds, and they should not taste androgynous. They should look like a fucked up Deadpool , take 5 goddamn weeks to ripen, be ripe for 5 minutes, and then be spoiled by the time I mix my guacamole. That is the sole purpose for guacamole, in the first place. To take a good avocado, mix it with an over ripe avocado, and make it edible. Not to take some flavorless bullshit gourd plant and make it taste like a slightly less flavorless gourd plant! Whoever told that Publix guy that these "tall" motherfuckers tasted better than real avocados is wrong and should feel bad. As should the state of California for trying to export those types of lies and broken dreams.

Moral of the Story: I want some normal-ass avocados so that I can fix them with lime, peppers, salt, and tequila, as G-d intended. Also, fuck those tall-gourd-fake-ass avocados and fuck their couch.