Fuck You Russia, Or Whoever Hacked My Shit

Fuck you, Russia, and fuck your couch. And fuck your face. And fuck your couch's face. And fuck your Communism. And your couch's Communism. I joke, you don't have a couch. But still, fuck y'all.

Now why did I just come out against Russia? It's not because of the politics (though that was fucked up). And it is not because of the human rights violations (again, that's fucked up). It's because y'all motherfuckers stole my bank account information! That's right, you Commie dicks. One of you hacked my shit. How do I know? Because you bought a $300 pair of fucking Adidas! Nobody buys Adidas except goddamn Russian gangsters.

"In Soviet Russia, Adidas is only shoe brand. Wear Adidas, become best Russian athlete."

And you know what else? Y'all fuckers bought $138 dollars in high-end cosmetic make-up? Do you know what that tells me? That whoever it was is in the process of selling a mail-order bride and wanted her face to look did. Well fuck you. Guess what? I got that shit canceled. I hope you get some ratty-ass knock-offs with holes in the feet. That way, when you walk through the vodka-soaked streets of depression and grey, your shoes make that squishy noise.

Do you know what that money was reserved for? Goddamn diapers! As revenge, I hope my son stays constipated for a week. I'm then  going to mail his first three dirty diapers to your depressing, ass country so that you can experience the fear, hate, and necessity I have.

Now, to be fair, you may not have hacked me. And to be fair, it does not change my opinions. Why? Because I am obstinate. Fuck you. That's why. You don't know me! If you did, you'd have known that I am paranoid as fuck and check my bank statements like a fucking hawk. Fucking $300 for a pair of shoes. If I buy a new pair of shoes, I wait for them sumbitches to be on discount. I then wear the fuck out of them, until I got holes in the feet. And now, I can never buy Adidas. Not that I would anyway, but I had to tell the bank to just not accept any purchases from them.

Do you know what that means? It means I can never visit Russia. Why? Because how can I visit Russia, IF I DON'T HAVE AN ADIDAS TRACK SUIT! That's like rolling into the Jewish part of town and forgetting my yarmulke. It's not that I'll necessarily be denied service, though I suspect that Russians would not look kindly on my Jewness, but that I will be labeled as an outsider. Of course, that may be a good thing. Before the Cheetos President became a world leader, I actually trusted the U.S. to stand against Russia and protect travelers. Now? I'm guessing he'll do whatever Putin asks. That's okay though.I got my money back and y'all get to keep your depression.

Moral of the Story: My shit got hacked. Because they bought Adidas, I assume they are Russian hackers. Also, I'd like to see what would happen for someone to FedEx dirty diapers to Putin's doorstep, every day, for a year. Talk about shitty mail.