YES!!!!! I am writing another story!!! Are you
excited?!?! You should be! And what am I going to write about? Well, I was originally going to write about my son's propensity to suck on things. At the same time, I just could not bring myself to write it. So instead, I am going to write about my recent travels. Now I will preface this by saying that my son is a goddamn champion. My son is not even a full 9 months (just two days short) and he is already trying to climb shit. That's right, my son got tired of moving the gate, and said, "Well, shit. Why not try to climb? That would be a new skill. Fuck it, I'm a climber now." Of course, he vocalized this in the form of grunts, screams, spits, and blowing raspberries.
(No, this is not my kid. Mine is 10,000 times cooler and better)
My son is also learning to eat real food. Little known fact, my son likes pickles. As it turns out, my father - his
Saba - has been feeding my child normal food. The other day, Saba asked if my kid has ever eaten a pickle. When I said no, my father said, "I'mma give him one."
Next thing I know, my son is deep-throating a pickle, and using the few teeth on bottom to scrape the rind clean. He consistently had a sour, salty, and confused face, but my son kept eating the pickle. My wife took offense to this the next day, when she learned that pickles give my son very unpleasant poo-poos. That smell. Like pickles.
(Again, not my kid. Mine is 100,000 times cooler and better.)
So why the name for this post? No, nobody has molested my son. Trust me, there would be a dead body and I would be standing trial for said body. No, the molestation that occurred was my own. Last Friday, I took a flight to Salt Lake City. Why? Because I had a seminar at Gym Jones. Because there is so much training involved, I elected to bring my BCAAs. I won't get into the science behind it, but they are a powder supplement that help with athletic performance. And no, they are not 'roids. Unfortunately, the powder flagged as an explosive risk.
Little known fact, TSA is
not known for their understanding or sense of humor. Other little known fact, they do
not allow people to bring BCAAs on a plane, when said powder is an explosive risk. The irony is that I finally,
finally, made it through the body-scanner without getting searched. Once they "pinged" the powder, however, I got the most thorough pat-down of my life. Short of stripping nekkid, they left nothing to chance. Somewhere, there is a TSA agent that may or may not be pregnant. Wherever he is, I hope that agent knows that he has mastered the art of being firm, yet gentle.
The rest of the trip was wonderful. I learned where I am strong, and learned where I need to get stronger. I also learned how much I miss my wife and kid. During one of the breaks, I took a moment to call them. My wife and I are talking, and suddenly she yells, "No, Baby, don't deep-throat the beer bottle!!"
(Note: Do not Google search for "baby deep-throat beer bottle")
Moral of the Story: My son likes pickles and performing fellatio on beer bottles. Oh, and I may have an illegitimate child with some TSA agent. I hope he calls me.
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