What the Shit China? 9: Towels

HOOOOLYYYYY SHHHHIIIIIIT! I wanted to start writing this a week ago, and I wanted to write another story the week before that. As it turns out, I have an interesting little quirk. Every day, I do the same thing That's a lie. I do different shit every day. Not terribly different, but different. But on the way to work, I typically do the same thing. I get in the car, send a text message or email, start the car, and go to work. I listen to a 30-minute, Chinese Rosetta Stone lesson, I start talking to a voice-recorder, and then I start cussing at the slow-ass motherfuckers that drive in the right lane, when there is clearly room to merge into the left lane, so that I can merge onto the highway and not wonder if my son will see his father's picture on a roadside memorial. Then I get to work and start doing whatever it is that I am supposed to do.

Now I know what you are thinking, "He speaks Chinese?" To answer your question, the answer is no. No I do not. That's a lie. I speak some. I will say that I will rarely speak Chinese to someone that is from China. Even talking to my wife, I am cautious. Why? Because it is so easy to fuck up. I was learning a lesson and there was a word that I just could not understand. Of course, I did the rational thing and checked with Google Translate.

Now, for those that don't know, Chinese is tonal; the way you say the word will change the meaning of the word. And Google Translate is drunk at 6:45 AM. And so, when I am driving into the office, I am talking to Google and trying to figure out this fucking word. I said the word once, and the Google voice-over person translates the word to, "period". Okay, well that does not seem to fit the theme of kitchen and bedding. So I try it again. Google says, "ejaculation". Wow. That's a bit extreme. I try again. Google: "menstruation". Alright Google, I quit.

I asked my wife and it turns out that the word translates to "towel". On the one hand, why are those words all so similar!? On the other hand, it makes sense now about how the word for towel was derived. And with that, I can never say the word "towel" in Chinese. After all, what if I fuck it up when I go to China? Finish washing the dishes, turn to my mother-in-law, and say, "excuse me, can you please pass the ejaculation?" Get out of a pool and ask my father-in-law, "can you please pass some menstruation?" No! Fuck that! That is a sure fire way for me to "disappear" in China. Or for my wife to divorce. Either way, no.

Moral of the Story: If I talk into a voice-recorder, I forget to write stories. Also, I will never ask for a towel in Chinese. Oh yeah, and fuck that one car with the TRUMP 2016 bumper sticker, janky-ass tail-light, and the NRA sticker, who refuses to get into the left lane EVERY GODDAMN DAY. Jerk.