Baby Daddy 42: The Father's Code

So the funny thing, when I wrote my last story, I had no intention of writing that story. I just happened to slip into a random-ass rant. I originally wanted to write this story, about my kid and being a father. It is 2018, now, and I realized that fatherhood is fucking weird. And what makes it weirder is that only fathers understand. I mean, I used to see internet memes. I used to watch TV. I used enjoy things. Then I had a child. Now I don't. Ha! That's a joke. Not really.

But what I was going to say, is that I used to understand the theory behind parenthood and fatherhood humor. With that said, I never appreciated the accuracy of it. Example: Buffalo Wild Wings (BWW). A week or so ago, my wife and I met my folks at BWW. We're there, we're relaxing, and we realized that we forgot the baby at home, sleeping. That's a lie. But a funny one, right?! Ha! Not really....but ha!

But, I digress. While we are all spending time at BWW, I take a moment to visit the restroom. As I open the door, I hear a kid scream and see a father changing his son's diaper. The father starts to apologize, and I immediately laugh and cut him off. I tell him that I understand, and that I am just waiting for my kiddo to follow suit. The guy immediately starts laughing and says, "it is something else, isn't it?" I laugh and say, "Absolutely."

As I finish up, the kid starts doing this boneless death role that EVERY FUCKING KID KNOWS. If you didn't know why they have a strap on the baby changing station, it's because of older babies. Infants don't move. They can't. Once a kid can role, crawl, or run, however, you are officially fucked. The kid screams, the father says, "Calm down, Little Man!", and I comment about the fact that nobody likes to be tied up on their back....at least not at that age. The father laughs, and we go separate ways. At the end of the night, when I am leaving with the family, the guy hollers over, "I hope you get home before he goes!" I laugh and let him know that I will be breaking all traffic laws to insure we get home clean.

And that is the thing. A lot of people are going to read this and think, "Hahaha, that's kinda funny." And every mother is going to read this and think, "What's so special about that?" And every father is going to read this and say, "TRUTH!!!!" It is the weirdest fucking thing. And I will be walking down the street, holding the kid, and I see the difference. You see old people, fawning over the child because he is adorable. You see kids look at the child, and get excited about a potential playmate. Then you see people our age. And I can immediately tell who has kids. Those with kids will smile, nod, and they know. You see that look in their eye. It's the look of someone that has weathered a storm, or is preparing to. That storm? A shit storm. Because holy shit do babies poop!

Then you see the people our age that don't have kids. Half the women start fawning over the child, because their clock is ticking. The men have a look of fear - similar to a deer in the headlights. I was walking in a Walmart once, and I saw to guys stop by the condom aisle. That just so happens to be the same aisle as half the baby supplies. It's almost like Walmart is saying, "Hey, bruh! If you don't use this (prophylactic), you're going to need that (diapers)!" I saw the kids walk off, and I really wanted to go up and let them know that the exorbitant cost of the condoms was less than half the cost of the bulk item diapers and baby food I had in the cart.

Of course, as I chuckled and shook my head, another father walked by and said, "Those dumb motherfuckers."

Moral of the Story: Fatherhood is weird, and it's like a secret club. Literally anyone and everyone can witness it, but until you are in, you don't know. Oh, and those kids will likely contribute to the teen pregnancy epidemic.