Baby Daddy 43: Eating, Bathing, and Inappropriate Humor

WHAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?! Another story in the same month!?! I KNOW!!!!! Shit's crazy, yo! SO what am I going to talk about? What else, but my son? I actually have a list of stories that I want to share, and I need to get through these before I forget and they lose their luster. So what am I talking about on this one? I am talking about my baby boy. Beast Boy, King of the East, boy. And what about him? A whole mess of random shit. Nothing about poo, though, so you're welcome.

And how best to start than to say that baby food is disgusting. I know I mentioned in an earlier post that Saba and Savta have ruined my son for baby food. I understand it, though. The other day, I decided to try the food, to see why he wouldn't eat it. Now if you don't remember, my son will take the spoon-full of food, and then swallow his fist in an attempt to scrape it from his mouth and throat, and spit the food out. Now, I thought he was just exaggerating. I was wrong.

When I took a small bite, I proceeded to swallow my fingers (as much as I can), and claw that shit out of my mouth. I then licked a napkin and drank liquor to burn the taste. And the issue is not necessarily the flavor, but the lack thereof. Imagine eating a tasteless slop. That's what it is. I understand, now. I also think it is interesting that my wife ate oranges and halos, almost exclusively, during her pregnancy, and now my son eats almost exclusively oranges and halos.

I will say though, he does like baby turkey sausage. The only problem is that my son is lacking teeth on the op of his mouth. As a result, he ends up scraping the outer casing on bottom, and leaves the top, making each bite look like a botched circumcision. I told my wife about that, and she pretty much quit feeding him the sausage. That's a lie. He still eats that and now eats fish sticks. Gobbles that shit up.

Speaking of penises, I would like to discuss bed time. The other day, my wife and I used charades to describe putting our son to bed. I don't know how, but everything took a wrong turn. What started as feeding and bathing turned into digging and smothering. By the time it was done, I think my wife was in the Bahamas, I was in a grave, and the child mysteriously vanished. But fear not!! That did not actually happen. I don't have enough life insurance to make it worth the hassle. Ha!

But as we got our son ready for bed, we discovered that he is in an awkward pubescent state. If you look at it, he is growing quickly. He is eating a fuck-tonne of food. He is learning and developing intellectually. And he is getting awkward erections. Yes, I said it. When we bath our son, we obviously make sure that he is clean. When it comes to making sure that his tushy and nether regions are clean, our son starts getting a very awkward smile. Next thing you know, his little pee-pee is awkwardly firm. I mean, it isn't as bad as a teenage boy, but it is definitely noticeable.

And so there you go. That's it.

Moral of the Story: My son has discerning taste, and is in an awkward pubescent stage. Oh, and I have a fucked up sense of humor.