Baby Daddy 44: My Son is Batman

YAAASSSS!!!! SO I just posted about my pending trip to China. The shitty part is that I wrote that story a week or so ago. The problem is that I will write a story, or part of a story, get distracted, do some other shit, and then come back later to finish it. Then I need to find the right meme or picture to go with the story. And that is hard as shit. Why? Because it needs to be funny to me. That's right. You thought I wrote this shit for you? HA! Okay, maybe I do. But fuck you, I write it for me. These stories make me happy. And with no further ado, I bring you the next installment.

My son is an interracial baby. That's right. He's a mix of Chinese and American. And I know what some people are going to say: "Not all American's are white, asshole!" And you know what, you're right! But if I say, "White American", then every reader is going to say, "Well fuck that hood-wearing-klansman-racist-Trump-loving-twat right there!" And Fuck. That. Everything about that description can go fuck itself.

(Fuck This Guy, and Fuck This Message)

So allow me to clarify. According to the DNA spit-test, I am 50% European Jew, 13% Irish-English, and almost everything else is Northern European (Scandinavia, Russia, shit like that). I was at a bagel shop once, and asked why/how everyone around me was wearing a hoodie, while I was sweating. One friend asked if I happened to have any Northern European blood in me. I calmly look at them, and said, "...Look at me...". I have blonde hair, blue eyes, and am whiter than snow. I literally glow in the dark. My powerlifting posts are liked by a group called Nordic Strength, which says they honor their viking kinsman (whatever the fuck that means).

So when I say my son is mixed, he truly is. Now my wife and I were talking about how we need to make sure that my son realizes he is both Chinese, and Jewish-American. My wife then continued to say, "He needs to know that he is both. He is like a bat. You know, he can fly and party with the birds because he has wings. He can also get food stamps with the mammals. Our son is Batman."

Wait, what? What happened that mammals are suddenly broke as fuck and needing food stamps? Seems a bit racist against the mammals. What makes birds so great? In response to my questions, my wife explained that birds can fly. That's why they're in a higher social class. And they used to be dinosaurs. Can mammals say that? No. All they do is sit on the ground.

I then imagined this turning political. I imagined Trump saying, "Mammals are great. I love mammals. But they need to make their own food. They can eat, you know what, a food chain. Ever heard of it? I have the best chains. Trump towers and Trump golf, are really the best. All the mammals agree." Of course, this would be as Trump takes a bite of McDonald's fries. Though, as I think about it, birds would be the top 1%. After all, they do tend to shit on people. Boom. Roasted.

Moral of the Story: My son is Batman, and my wife is racist against mammals. Oh, and hopefully my wife and I don't end up like Bruce and Martha Wayne.