Motherfucking China 1: The Beginning

HOOOOLLLLYYYYYY SHHHHIIIIIIIT! I don't know what I am saying that to. Am I saying it for how long it took to write another story? Or is it because I went to MOTHERFUCKING CHINA! SO much happened on that trip. I mean, goddamn was it intense! So much so, that I finally have a chance to write about it. Unfortunately, China blocks all Google shit, and my blog is hosted through the Googs. Fortunately, I was still able to take notes and a copious quantity of pictures. So without further ado, I am going to translate each of my notes in a new series: Motherfucking China.

Now, it should be noted that my first experience with this trip was at the airport. Technically it started when I saw a buddy of mine at the airport, before I flew to Chicago. That was great. I don't know if I have referred to him before, so I will call the man Grant. We laughed, took a selfie, and that was it. My flight was delayed, he left, then I left, and the trip began.

I landed in Chicago, AKA Chi-raq, AKA Chi-City, AKA fuck that airport. I managed to get through security and all that other bullshit, and got to the gate. I did not realize how important Spring Festival is to China, until I saw over 100 Chinese people waiting to get on the plane. And boy did they freak when they saw this Jewish white boy show up. If you have never felt 100 eyes staring at you, you have not lived the awkward life. And boy was it fun.

The flight was alright. I watched a couple of Marvel movies, slept a little, and had several beers. Did you know alcohol was complimentary on international flights to/from Beijing? I didn't either. It almost makes the flight worth taking, simply for free booze.

Anyway, I landed in Beijing, and HOLY SHIT! I was in CHINA! Do you know my first experience? I saw a sign for Customs and Immigration, and a sign that said, "Foreigners". Of course, I had called my wife, and started giggling hysterically that I was finally a foreigner. I also started humming along to "Feels Like the First Time" and "Hot Blooded", both by the band Foreigner. That's also a lie. I experienced such a sensory overload that my brain was fucking empty.

As I was walking through security, however, I had my first experience with the cultural change. No, it wasn't the language. No, it wasn't metal detectors. What was it? The proud sneezer. As I was getting my luggage from baggage claim, I suddenly heard, "HAAA CHHOOUUUAAAHHHCCCHHHAA!" I look over, and this guy just fucking sprayed the airport with his sneeze. I mean, he projectiled that shit like he was declaring war and claiming the land for his. He then looked around like, "Yeah motherfuckers, I just sneezed. What now, bitches?" He had his hands on his hips, pushing he belly forward, and was fucking proud.

I thought this may be a singular experience, until a few days later. I was on an escalator, and some woman did the same exact thing. Another guy sneezed, coughed, cleared his throat, and spat. On the escalator! You want to talk about gross? Talk about the person whose poor coat got soaked in spit and mucus. Yes, that loogie hit some poor soul in the back. They didn't even know.

Anyways, I made it from Beijing to Xi'an via a local flight, and was picked up by my wife and her family's driver. We ate something quick, and crashed for the night. That was the start of the adventure.

Moral of the Story: I made it to fucking China, and they are incredibly proud of their bodily functions.