Motherfucking China 3: Starbucks (Part 2)

Normally I would like to have a better segue into the next story, but I don't. So fuck it, here's another story about Starbucks in China. One of my favorite experiences iwas when my wife and I got coffee with one of her friends. For this story, I will call him Kobra. As in "Kobra-Kai". That's not his name, but I don't know how to type his actual name into English. That's a lie. I do, but I respect privacy and shit.

Anyway, Kobra had taken my wife and I to see a variety of different historical sites in Xi'an, finishing with the Big Goose Pagoda. As it turns out, the area around the Big Goose Pagoda is lit as fuck. They literally call it Xi'an Vegas. For the Spring Festival, they had a parade and lights and music and a fuck-tonne of celebration. As we were walking, we decided to stop for tea at Starbucks. Why? Because it was one of the only places open.

When we go in, my wife decides to order for everyone. She goes up to the register, and starts to order in Chinese. There was one drink, however, that the barista did not recognize. As my wife points him in the direction of where we were sitting, and where the drink listing was, the barista sees me. Evidently, he just assumed I spoke English. Racist.

Anyways, the barista turned to my wife, and started talking to her in English. Kobra hollered back to the barista, and (in English) told him that my wife spoke Chinese. This should be evident by the fact that she was literally speaking Chinese with him. The guy took my wife's order, came back, and started talking to Kobra in English. Then she remembered, "Oh, yeah, ni keyi shuo zhongwen."

They then took off, speaking rapid-fire Chinese. As this entire scene unfolded, I didn't say a single word. Yes, that's right. The only actual person that is a native-born English speaker, didn't say a goddamn word. I just sat there, trying to understand how it was that three Chinese people were talking, and I could understand it. For a second, I actually thought I may have developed Chinese fluency. In case you are wondering, no. I have not.

This became apparent when they my wife and er friend started talking, and I thought they were discussing holidays, and they were actually talking about Kobra having a crush on some random dude. In case you didn't know (how would you?), Kobra identifies as homosexual. That also makes it odd, when he starts flirting with me in Chinese. I didn't understand what he was saying, of course, but I could gather when my wife grew fiercely protective of her man.

Moral of the Story: I am not fluent in Chinese, and I may or may not be able to strip others of their ability to speak the language. Arguably one of the least useful superpowers I could hope for.