Nasal Surgery (Not a Nose Job)

HELLO!!!! I know, I know, I know, I KNOW! It's been WAY too long since my last past. Over a month, in fact! What can I say? Life happened. I spent a lot of fucking time writing on a book. Did he just say book?! You bet your sweet ass I did! I actually am working on two books. One is for my company. The other is for new fathers: Baby Daddy Vol. 1: What the Shit. The title is a work in progress. BUT! That is not the only thing that has happened. The other thing is that....

I got SURGERY! I know, it sounds serious. And let me tell, it wasn't. Well, it may have been? As it turns out, I had a deviated septum in my nose. What does that mean? It means that I was only getting 20% of my respiratory capacity on the left side, and that my right side would collapse in during a deep inhale. Do you have any idea how much it sucks to take a deep breath through your nose, and suddenly the right side collapses in? Do you have any idea how much more it sucks when you are doing that during a hard, 2k meter row? You go from breathing hard to fucking suffocation in an instant!

So what did I do? I got surgery to fix it. Now let me tell you, I did NOT know what I was getting myself into. The day before the surgery, I had a massive tension headache. I think it likely had to do with the fact that my previous surgical experiences were related to being stabbed a few times. That sucked. It also set a tremendously unrealistic expectation of what the surgery would entail. Turns out that surgery is far less shitty, when you are not getting your internal organs checked for injury...who knew?

Anyways, the lead-up for the surgery was unexciting. I did learn that my resting heart-rate was down around 43 beats per minute. That's exciting, as it was an all-time low. Not bad for someone who had to take a month off from training! After that, they pumped me full of drugs and they fixed my nose. Note: THIS WAS NOT A NOSE JOB. Shit was internal and designed to help me breathe.

Now, have you ever had instant regret? You know, like when you take that 20th shot at the bar, and you immediately know that you just went past your limit? Well imagine that, but worse. When I woke up from the surgery, I had double vision and was dizzy. It was like being drunk, but without the blackout effect. I got home, started treating my nose (saline solution, hydrogen peroxide for cleaning, pain meds).

In the first moment of cleaning, I saw myself in the mirror, felt the pain in my nose, and thought, "This was a stupid fucking idea." I mean, seriously. It was one of those moments where you have instant regret. But unlike that 20th shot, where you can easily puke or swear off alcohol, there was no quick recovery from this. Talk about needing to harden the fuck up. It was like having a child. You do it because it seems like a great idea in the moment, and then you realize that you signed up for way more than you were prepared for.

So what did I do? I hardened the fuck up. I treated my nose and popped pain pills. Everything worked well for about two days. I had the surgery on a Tuesday morning, and it was okay until Thursday. Then it all went to shit. Why? First, I was not able to go to work. And as it turns out, Thursday was the day that the BIG boss started asking questions of my boss. And my boss had to call me to get answers. I spent a solid 3-4 hours, answering questions, while high as a fucking kite, about shit that was nowhere near critical. I think I may have even spoken to some government folks that were involved? Like, it was sketchy. And when I say, "I think", I mean that I legitimately don't remember. I remember walking around the house on the phone, but that's about it.

The other part is that my wife needed a break from the kiddo. Now don't get me wrong, I love my son with all my heart. My wife does, too. At the same time, the kid just fucking goes. Unless he is asleep, he does not stop. And normally, I take care of the kid when I get home. That allows my wife to focus on her work, running an engineering empire. But for two days, I could not do anything. On that third day though, I took care of the kid. And on that third day, he hauled off and punched me in the nose. We then proceeded to cry together - me for getting punched in the nose, and him because I put him down to cry over getting punched in the nose.

With all of that said, the surgery was well worth it. There was only one other unpleasant experience, which was when they pulled out the stints. You see, they had to put these tubes in my nose to insure that everything healed in the right place. That makes sense. What I did not realize, however, was that these tubes were large fucking tubes. I thought they were small little rings, designed to keep everything open. Instead, they were these big ass pipes, gaping my nose. My nostrils were gaped worse than the tushy of (insert pornstar name here).

When they pulled those tubes out, it was a sumbitch. They grabbed on, said, "We are going to go fast. Like a band-aid. One, two-" *yank*

I tried to keep calm, as I growled, "Son of a...guuunnn." There was a woman in the room and I wanted to be less vulgar. The doctor said to go ahead and say what I wanted, so I growled, "fuuuuuuck."

The doctor then said that the first is easier, because, "The patient doesn't know what to expect. Now that you do know what to expect-" *yank* and he pulled the other side. I calmly said, "OOOOHHHHH that's ticklish." Boy, that took the doctor out. He laughed for a solid minute, before he told me to keep rinsing my nose and come back in three weeks.

Moral of the Story: Fixing my deviated septum was a shitty experience, but it was well worth it. I can breathe better than ever, and my nose doesn't look like I got repeatedly punched in the face. Also, my nose is slowly returning to normal. I just don't understand how pornstars able to deal with it.