This is something that has been on my mind for longer than I care to admit. In reality, I have been struggling with this topic for well over a year. Before I discuss too much further, I would like to provide an Origin Story. In 2011, I started working to earn a PhD in Environmental Engineering. I had just graduated with my B.S., and I was ready to earn that fancy hat. After working for three years, putting in countless hours of field work, lab work, and classwork, I was finally ready to take my qualifying exam and proposal defense. For those who don't know, a PhD usually requires three major benchmarks. One is a qualifying exam. This can be a comprehensive test over your graduate studies, it can be a mock grant proposal, or it can be something else that the department decides. Then you give an oral proposal defense. During this time, you present your research, proposed plans, and expected outcomes. The PhD Committee, usually comprised of 4-5 professors/experts, then question you over the research. If you answer the questions well enough, and you make the necessary changes to your proposal, you pass the first defense. Once you get through that step, all you have to do is write the Dissertation. I know it sounds silly, "You just have to write that little dissertation proving new science", but the dissertation really is easier than the proposal. Assuming the committee accepts your dissertation, you earn your PhD and become an expert in your field.
Having explained the process, I would like to discuss the mindset that I took into the exam and defense, which was that of absolute victory. We often hear of athletes sacrificing everything to become the best. This mindset is coupled with strict discipline, relentless work ethic, and refusal to accept failure. You hear of Michael Phelps, who would swim for 8 hours a day to prepare for the Olympics. You have the great basketball players, who practice their free-throws and layups until it is impossible for them to get it wrong. Very few people are willing, or able, to commit themselves 100% to their purpose. Doing so requires the ability to turn down friends, turn down family, and maintaining 100% focus.
In the pursuit of my PhD, particularly when I started preparing for the exam and Proposal Defense, I achieved this status. The weeks leading up to the exam, which came before the proposal, I became like a machine. Come test week, I became even more regimented. I started partitioning bottles of water, mixed with Instant Coffee, so that I knew exactly when to take my caffeine drips. The exam was take home, with each Committee member (4 total) giving their questions on a different day. Each day I woke up, trained for exactly one hour, went home, showered, and worked on the exam for approximately 12 hours. I would take five minute breaks to shovel food in my mouth, chug coffee, and get back to work.
The following week, I prepared for the Proposal Defense. I reviewed my PowerPoint countless times. I memorized my research proposal. Before going into the presentation, I listened to my "Pump Up" music. You know, that song or two that gets you motivated to conquer the world. I went in, my committee sat down, and I began presenting my research. It took less than five minutes before the committee shredded it to pieces. I committed 100%, and I failed. That was in October, 2014. By May 2015, my funding was cut and I had to settle for an M.S. degree.
The reason why I want to discuss this is because Failure sucks. I mean, it sucks hard. And not in the good way. Many people experience failure, but few have experienced that feeling when you dedicate EVERYTHING to a goal and come up short. Not only did I fail, but I was put in a position where I could not "pick myself up" and try again. What makes it worse, is that such a failure can taint other success. You will notice that I settled for the M.S. degree. Earning a graduate degree of any sort is something to be proud of. But after dedicating so much time and energy, and sacrificing so much of my personal sanity, the M.S. was a consolation prize. Something that I should have been proud of was made less, simply because I came so close to achieving more.
What people also forget to mention is that the failure will haunt you. It has taken a year and half for me to be moderately "okay" with not having a PhD. I realize, intellectually, that it is better for me to not have the PhD. Professionally, I received exponentially more interviews and job offers with my MS. Personality-wise, I realize that I am not suited for a PhD. That degrees requires a level of care and passion to focus on a single, minuscule detail, and turn it into a new piece of science. I am not that person. I do not care about the cause of a single, minute detail. I care about how that minute detail relates to the real world, finding real solutions, to real problems. Intellectually, I recognize and can appreciate that I am not best suited for the PhD.
Personally, my life became much better after that failure. Three days later, I met the love of my life. We had a blind-date, dated online, had a first date, and next thing you know I am coming up on a one-year anniversary. That online dating period was for 10 days, during which time I traveled to Kansas City and secured the first two contracts for my personal engineering company (leave a message, if you have any needs for a consultant engineer). Since finishing my graduate studies, I became a personal trainer and got a permanent position in environmental compliance. Even better, my permanent job doesn't conflict with my company, or my personal training (message if you have need for a personal trainer). Shameless plugs aside, I recognize where I am truly living the dream.
Even so, I find myself wondering what I could have done to be better. What I could have done to succeed. Did I need more support from my adviser (yes!)? Did I need to work harder (how?!)? And that is the crux of it. With my wife completing her PhD, I am able to see where I was not meant for that degree. I see where I have the capacity for the title, but not the personality. Even as I write this, however, I realize that I am trying to justify my own ability. I am trying to convince myself that my failure was somehow out of control.
And so then the question is, how do I push past that moment. How do I move on from that failure. One answer is that I focus on what I have. I have a wonderful wife, a tolerable cat, a beautiful home, a steady job, two passionate side ventures (seriously, let me know if you need an engineer or personal trainer), and a good life. I also cope by listening to the YouTube video that puts "What's Up" by Four Non Blondes to He-Man for 10 Hours straight. But semi-joking aside, I am not sure how/when I will come to terms with failing at my objective.
So that's it. I shared this because I have been needing to get it out of my head. I know there are others out there that get their PhD and have an easy time of it. There are some that set the bar high, and hurdle it like a champ. For those that do, great job! I don't know if anyone will actually read all of this. For those that do, and that are currently struggling, do NOT quit. You are in the middle of the suck, but it will get easier. For those that are going through the same type of situation that I have been, at least we are not alone.
For anyone reading this, thinking "Should I get my PhD?", please read the link below:
I am not trying to talk anyone out of trying to achieve a professional level degree. On the contrary, I think the greater the goal, regardless of goal, is always for the better. And while I may be struggling with my own shortcomings, I learned more and grew more as a PhD student than I ever would have expected. And in case anyone was curious, I have a link to the YouTube video:
That's it.
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