Meeting My Father-In-Law

So...it's done. I had my wedding, and I met my Father-In-Law. And much as I expected, it was an.....experience. For days, I was nervous. I had that same angst that you get before a hard workout, a race, or a roller coaster. You know, the type of anxiety that makes you want to pee yourself. Why didn't I pee myself? Likely because I was so dehydrated that my kidneys were shooting blanks. I won't say I had renal failure, but I will say that I was lucky not to.

Round 1:

As I arrived to the place that my In-Laws were staying, something weird hit me. I became calm. I became confident. As a 5'6" Jewish, white boy, this was a very new sensation. I had flashes of the movie 300, when that kid became Leonidas and killed the liger, but far less bad-ass. My wife met me right outside the door, gave me a look of shear terror, and took me by the hand. As we walked in, my wife's expression turned into that terrified smile. You know, when you are supposed to look happy, but you are praying that an elephant will charge through the wall will a platypus on its back, and that the platypus will somehow manage to kill you in a way that is worthy of an analogy for a terrified smile. 

There he is. Ba-ba. That's what I am supposed to call the man. The man with no smile. Have you ever seen a a bull-dog? He's a Chinese Bull-Dog. And that man is sitting at the dining table, like a great wall of China (allusion!!). I sit down on a diagonal to the man, with my wife between us. Some could say she was an interpreter. Others can say she was a human shield. All I know is that, when running from a bear, I only have to outrun the slowest person. Not saying I threw her under the bus, just that I don't speak Chinese. 

So there I am. There he is. There's my wife. And silence. I ask the man how his flight was. "Good." What does he do for work? "Hydro-power." After a solid 30 seconds of quiet, my wife turns to me and says that her hands and feet are going cold. I tell her that everything will be fine. She then tells me she wants to lay down and puke out. As I prepare to say something, my wife's eyes roll back into her head, and she proceeds to pass the fuck out. I mean, out. As she starts to slump in her chair, her father and I rush to her, and help her to the couch.

My wife beckons me to her, weakly. I know that this is a serious situation and all, but part of me was pretty glad her family saw it. I'm expecting my wife's cousin to help, since she is a doctor, but the poor girl looks like a deer in the headlights. I try to tell them to get a wet wash cloth, and suddenly realize that nobody speaks English, and the only one that does is halfway unconscious. I get up, show the doctor the rag and motion for water, and she suddenly runs away. I don't know what the fuck she's doing, so I get a glass of cold water. The doctor comes back with a rag, and we start reviving my wife. I remember the word for bread, butcher the pronounciation, but it is ennough to get my Mother-In-Law to grab some carbs. I want it to be noted that the Western White Devil responded better to his wife passing-out, than the Chinese doctor did. 'Merica.

Round 2:

After my wife has time to recover, I speak briefly with my Mother-in-Law, using primitive hand gestures and Google Translate (which sucks at translating to Chinese, by the way) to convey the cause. By the time I return, my wife is next to her father and translates for him. The man repeats that he doesn't care anything about who I am. That's fair. And he says that he only cares about his daughter. He mentions that she is the brightest, most beautiful girl in all of China, which makes sense. Then he mentions that all of his friends want to date her. Now, call me crazy, but that's gross. Up until then, I was doing well with having proper replies. I do not have a proper response to a father talking about his friends wanting to date his daughter. That's fucked up. I mean, wow. That man needs better friends. With that said, my wife later explained that he meant they wanted their sons to date her. That's less gross, but still. I cannot unsee things. I cannot unimagine them. My mind's eye is scarred.

Round 3:

My wife and I go for a walk, before returning to eat with my In-Laws. By now, we are talking loosely. I go for broke. I tell them that they cannot trust me if they do not know me, so ask whatever they want. I am ready. I am ready for them to ask why I am Jewish, did we kill Jesus, do I have a bank, why am I white, how's my sperm count, anything. Turns out, they couldn't give a damn about my background. It's Zero-Fuck Thirty in the house, tonight! After some more, tentative talking, they start toasting everyone. Evidently that is one thing Jews and Chinese have in common, is that you toast until the alcohol is gone. At least they went with wine, not vodka. 

Suddenly, the meal is over. I eat what I am supposed to, and my wife hurries us out the door to pick up people from the airport. Nevermind that it is a 30 minute drive to pick up people that are landing in 2 hours. And that's it. The night went exactly like I expected, with the awkward conversation, the "protect our daughter" conversation, and the "let's get to know each other" conversation. The part I did not expect was for my wife to pass the fuck out. I mean....damn. We were not ready. I expected someone to go down, but I presumed it would be me. 

Moral of the story: I do well in awkward and stressful moments. My wife will pass-out under too much stress. And the cousin doctor is not my first choice in an emergency. That last one will be chalked up to be stunned. Fortunately she still has some schooling left before becoming a cardiologist.

PS: I related my Father-In-Law to being a bulldog, bear, and great wall. Since this time, the man has loosened up with the tightest, most non-existent smile in history. But! It's a smile.