That Awkward Sweat

I would like to start by saying that I like Spring and Summer. The weather is beautiful, everyone is outside, you see sexy people showing it off, you see less than sexy people showing it off, it is a revolting good time. I would also like to state that I do not like the heat. I don't know about anyone else, but I'm a sweater. And not the attractive, "Oh look how sinewy my muscles are" or "I'm glistening" or "I'm glowing". No. I sweat. It's like Poseidon infiltrated into my body and said, "Here, now you're a slip and slide." It's gross. And what's worse, is I always sweat.  If the temperature is above 65 degrees Fahrenheit (18.3 degrees Celsius), you can be your sweet ass that mine is sweating.

In order to cope with this unfortunate situation, I rarely wear a shirt. I know what you're thinking, "But if you workout and look good, you just want to show off your muscles." One, I am far to white to show off any muscle. What definition I do have, is white-washed from the light reflecting off my skin, casting off the shadows. Two, I would go shirtless regardless of how I look. When I was younger, and had a right proper beer belly, I showed that pony keg off. Sun up, shirt off. I just feel bad for all the people who had to bear witness to that. 

Living in an area that also has high humidity, however, has exasperated this problem. I now have to strip down to my skivvies when I get home. Sometimes, I don't even make it into the door. I start taking my pants off as i walk back from the mail box. One leg gets caught on my foot, whipping around as a walk. I've killed many a trusted flower, with my pants flying around. "But why not wear shorts?" Because I'm a professional and that's frowned upon. I wore a kilt to work once. It was great. That has no relevance to the rest of this story, but it happened. I just hope it happens again. 

But as I was saying, I get nearly nekkid when I get home. Why? Because I sweat in the car and on the way from the car to the house. Have you ever tried to hug your significant other, when you are a sweat mess? And no, naughty safari does not count. If you ever have, you get one of two reactions. One, "Eeeewwww....gross!!" Two, your significant other squeezes you hard and you slip right through their arms like a lubed up banana. It's terrible. That's why I take my pants off at the door. 

I also train in my underwear. If I am going to sweat, I do not want to go through that much laundry. It only gets awkward when I am squatting in my speedo and someone has to spot me. Or I have to spot them. That how you know you've bonded with someone. That's also how you can hone your technique for awkward situations. That way, you're prepared for anything. Like when you are cleaning the house in your underwear, and your wife comes home and has her friend with her, but you don't know that she has her friend with her, and suddenly everyone can see you in your underwear. Especially when you remember that you have on underarmour, so everyone can see everything. And then you cover up with the stapler. Why a stapler? Because you are cleaning your library for when your father-in-law visits, and the shedding rug looks like bugs and you have to kill the bugs, and you use the stapler. 

Moral of the story: Always have a pair of gym shorts hidden in every room, in case company shows up unexpectedly.