Bachelor Party

So, part of my wedding weekend was consistent of a Bachelor Party. I know what you're thinking, "Finally! We get to see some boobs or dick pics!" Well fuck you, it wasn't that type of party.....perverts. The reality is that my Best Man knew that I was already legally married (Chinese custom), and he did not want me to start my wedding with a divorce. The solution? Paintball. As he put it, the welts will look enough like a hickey to get me in trouble, but not so much that I end up single.

Now let me preface this by saying that there were 6 groomsmen, myself, a sister, a wife (not mine), and two Chinese people playing. That's a lot of people. Let me also state that, when wearing the mask, everything gets foggy. I had joked about wanting to play in the fog, but did not realize that I would have my own personal fog for the game. I would also like it to be known that the fields were very humid, so I instantly broke into That Awkward Sweat (shameless plug!!).

I would now like to share the most entertaining parts of this experience. One, my Cousin Shawn was hung-over. His name isn't Shawn, but identity protection and what not. In fact, before leaving, Shawn was worshiping the porcelain G-d, asking "why is this my life?"

Now I know I sound like an asshole for finding his situation entertaining, but you have to understand. My cousin was very tightly wound the night before. So for him to get schwasty-facedd, I  was very happy to see Shawn relax. And to be fair, he powered through those courses and battles. I know he retched a few times, but overall he conquered like a fucking boss.

Entertainment two, were the Groom Games. As part of the adventure, there were two games that we got to play. One was that I had to run from one side of the field to another, and then back, while everyone tried to shoot me. As I did this gauntlet, my best man elected for me to use a GoPro. What did I learn? One, I run fast when I get shot. Two, I run faster when I have fear for my unborn children. At one point, all I could do is say "Fuck", "Son of a bitch", and "Not the testicles!"

The final bit of entertainment was less humorous, and more impressive. The final activity was that I had to carry a ball and chain (SSSSYMBOLISM...) while my groomsmen escorted me from one side of the field to another. The non-groomsmen then had to try and shoot me. The impressive part was exactly how effective my groomsmen were at eliminating the other team. Twice. There was only one "casualty", and he gave himself up so that the rest of the team could eliminate the last player.

Moral of the story: 1) Don't get plastered before paintball. 2) Hunters and video game players are great at tactical paintball. 3) Paintballs hurt and will give you instant fear for your future generations.