No, this is a post about cat lovers. For the record, I am not one. I was born and raised a dog person. My great grandmother fairly well indoctrinated the family against cats. One day, when my mother was driving the woman around, there was a cat in the middle of the road. My great grandmother said, "Darling, do hit it..." My mother, in humoring the woman, swerved toward the cat. It was enough of a swerve to convey the message, but she did not tryto actually hit the cat. My great grandmother shook her head and said, "You didn't even try..."
That's the background in my family. I imagine the old woman is rolling in her grave to know that my wife is a cat-owner, and that the cat is now living in our house. Now I will say that, for a cat, ours is not terrible. He doesn't bite, he doesn't claw, and he doesn't cause problems. I will also say that he is a big boy, and it is funny to hear him thump his way down the stairs. And this brings me to part of the discussion, which is that most cat lovers seem to love torturing and/or abusing their cat.
Now stay with me on this. How many cat videos do you see online where the cat does not do anything funny, stupid, or in some way get mistreated? Exactly.
My wife is a similar person. She loves the cat more than anything in the world. If it were between saving the cat or saving me, my money is on her to save the cat. With that said, she abuses the shit out of the cat. My wife got back from a recent trip, and her first comment was, "Where's the cat? I haven't kicked him in long days!". Sure enough, she got home and immediately kicked him. Not hard, but enough that he rolled over to his belly.
My wife also has a tendency to verbally abuse the cat. The other day, the cat was meowing to go outside. My wife calmly walks by and says, "You want to go outside? Is that what you want? Fuck you, cat. You go outside, you're going to die." She then locks the door and walks away.
Now let's look at our friend Noelle. Her name is not really Noelle, but I like to protect identities. You also don't hear the name Noelle everyday, so fuck you. That's her name now. Noelle and her boyfriend happen to be the ones that host our weekly game night, and they have two cats. One cat is nice, but comes across a bit dumb. I don't know why I think he's dumb. Maybe he just looks dumb? Can cats look stupid? Yes. If you doubt that, look at any of the pictures that I am posting in this story.
The other cat looks for more normal, but is the biggest fucking asshole in the world. The cat rarely comes near people, and has on more than one occasion attacked for no reason. Case and point, we are all playing a game on a recent Game Night, and that cat jumps up onto a ledge, and tries to claw the shit out of Noelle. Now, I believe in animal law. In animal law, there is one alpha. And when it comes to animals, I am alpha as fuck. Our cat clawed me once. And he knew he fucked up because he immediately tried to run. I caught him and pinned his candy ass to the ground until he realized that I am literally ten times his size. I did the same with a dog once. The dog tried to nip my hand, so I punched it in the nose. I am all for playing around and rough housing, but you know when an animal is trying to challenge dominance.
Noelle, however, is very different. Her reaction, when the cat clawed at her head, was "ow, you asshole!". She then picked up the cat and started hugging and kissing it, talking about how the cat was "a good girl". I was absolutely flabbergasted. There was zero punishment for the cat being an asshole, except to call it an asshole. And is that really a punishment? No. In fact, I would take it as a compliment. Why? Because I take it as a compliment.
And so I have come to realize that there are three types of cat people in the world. There are cat-lovers like my wife, who get pleasure from the discomfort of the cat. There are the cat-lovers like Noelle, who will worship a cat regardless of how it behaves. Then there are the people who are not cat-lovers, but they have to tolerate the cat because their family/friends/whatever seem to have some strange affection for it.
Moral of the Story: I am not a cat-lover, my wife likes to abuse her cat, and Noelle is her cat's bitch. Also, this post is likely to piss Noelle off if she reads this. Fuck it.
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