Fireflies

The other night, my family, my wife, and my in-laws were going to see the Firefly Event in the Smoky Mountains. For those that don't know, there is a period in Spring/Summer when thousands of fireflies congregate in the Smoky Mountains to mate. This is the only place in the country (world?) to have this event, and the fireflies all begin to synchronize their lights. Before I saw the event, I did not think much of it. Having seen the fireflies, it is a tremendous show. If you get the chance, go see them. On a side note, it's also a little perverted. Think about it. The fireflies basically congregate for a massive orgy, and people travel from all over the country (world?) to watch. I mean, it's a beautiful show, but still....a little bit inappropriate for the younglings.

But back to the story. When we get to the park, we have to ride a trolley to the area with the fireflies. Because of weather, the trolleys were running almost two hours behind. That's alright, no big deal, we still get to see them. We get on the trolley, and we have a peppy, volunteer tour guide. Bare in mind that it is close to 10PM. Nobody should be that happy and excited at 10PM, unless they are drunk as fuck. Speaking of which, there was a guy on the trolley that was drunk as fuck. He had that "hick" quality about him, that made my mother wonder if he was married to his sister. On a side note, my mother started calling the man "Jethro". Not sure of the significance behind the name, but he was drunk as fuck.

Anyway, as we start the ride up to the fireflies, the guide starts spewing random facts about fireflies. That was fine, until she said that the first fireflies started at 9PM and would only be out for an hour. Now, I know that she was trying to be informative, and was going through a rehearsed routine, but have some common-fucking-sense. Don't tell people that are on a trolley at 10PM that they are going to see fireflies that are only there from 9PM-10PM. That's like saying, "Hey, you are going to be able to fly to your favorite destination in November, 2015." Well whoop-dee-shit. What good does that do us now? The answer is none. It doesn't do us any good. At all. But I digress.

We continue riding up and the tour guide starts talking more about the science behind the fireflies and spouting out random ass facts and statistics. Being the engineer/scientist that I am, and being the frustrated asshole that I am, I ask how the tour guide knows what she's talking about. On a side note, I have had enough experience with scientific research to know that some statistics are bullshit. Some can be legitimate. But 85% of the time, people are either making them up, or taking them out of context. See what I did there? Ha!

The fact that actually provoked my response was when the tour guide said, according to "a very professional, very scientific looking pamphlet", that fireflies go to sleep at midnight. I called bullshit. Even drunk-ass Jethro and his sister/wife in the back of the trolley called bullshit. When I pressed for further explanation, the most the guide could do is say to call the research center. I didn't need to though. Do you know why? Because we were in line to take the trolley back down to our car at 12:30 in the goddamn morning. And guess what? Good ol' Jethro went to pee behind a porta-potty and saw a whole lot of fireflies, still mating.

Moral of the Story: The Fireflies Event in the Smoky Mountains is amazing, despite being a little perverted. Also, if inbred, drunk-as-fuck Jethro is smart enough to call bullshit on your science, you may want to check your facts.