Being Jewish, I have had a lot of people say that I am going to hell. They are typically Christians, half of whom believe that I am going to hell for killing Jesus. For the record, because people do not seem to know their bible, Jews did not kill Jesus. Then you get the Christians that send me to hell for not believing in Jesus.
Once, in high school, I was sitting a lunch. The table I sat with had me (Jew), a pagan, an atheist, a Muslim, a Mormon, and two Christians. And those Christians, each day, would try to convert us heathens. And each day, we heathens would discredit their arguments. It's easy to do, when the majority came from the New Testament, which none of us recognized. The Mormons did, but they weren't the ones being converted. One day I got frustrated and asked point blank, "Are you trying to convert us because otherwise we are going to hell?" After an affirmative response, I said, "You know what, if you are sending me to hell for not believing in Jesus, then I would have to send you to hell for believing in a false idol. So, I guess I'll see you there. Don't worry, I'll have the margaritas ready." Disregarding the fact that Jews don't believe in hell, this actually worked to put the whole conversion issue to rest.
The other time that people send me to hell is usually when I am talking to my folks. Typically it's after something small or silly happens, I give the proper amount of ridicule, and then they tell me to go to hell. Bare in mind that this is not a hateful exchange. One Passover, they kept talking shit about my matzoh ball soup. To be fair. I used extra-virgin olive oil, which completely fucked up the consistency of the matzoh balls. I finally got tired of it and told my mother to stop talking shit. She responded that I should stop serving it. I had no rebuttal. My friends were stunned. My father was laughing. It was a good time.
Despite all of these things, and despite the jokes I sometimes make that are slightly or highly offensive, they are not the true reason for my going to hell. The true reason for my going to hell, should one exist, stems from a trip I made when I was traveling home from Colorado. There was a layover, after which I had a 30-45 minute flight. During this time, I was on a protein heavy, bodybuilding type of diet. As a result, I had the dreaded protein farts. If you have never had those, imagine a fresh pile of cat poo, mixed with a skunk, mixed with fresh cow manure, mixed with death.
Unfortunately, during my layover, I ate a meal that put my protein levels up to the protein fart stage. And for a frame of reference, I once walked through a Grocery Store while I had protein farts. There was a poor couple of women walking behind me. I didn't intentionally walk in front of them, but they happened to be going to the same areas I was. As a result, they would arrive to each location, right as the protein fart expanded out. I am sorry to say that one of those poor women, after their third stop, started dry heaving and had to go outside to keep from puking. So yes, my ass is capable of producing a gas worthy of biochemical warfare.
Flash-forward to this flight. I am boarding the plane, and I feel that gurgle in my belly. As we taxi across the runway, the captain states that the air conditioning is not functioning well, and apologizes for the warm temperatures. By the time we get in the air, I am sweating and the gases start eeking out. 30-45 minutes later, everyone within a 2 aisle radius has their faces covered and are trying to figure out the source of such evil.
And so that is why I am going to hell. Not because I am a Jew. Not because I have a slightly fucked up sense of humor. I am going to hell because I hot-boxed an airplane with my protein farts. And speaking of fucked-up humor, and what will likely seal my fate, is that I actually started to laugh by the time it was done.
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