High School Experiences: Sports

It should be noted that, in high school, I got the idea that I was going to be an athlete. Never mind the fact that I am a 5'6" tall, Jewish white boy. I was determined to find a sport that I could play, where I would not be terrible. It should be noted that in history, there have been great Jewish baseball players, football players, basketball players, etc. There are also great Jewish athlets in other sports. Israel won an Olympic medal in wind-surfing, not long ago. I say not long ago, but it was in the Summer Olympics from one or two games back. So really, it was like 10 years ago. But you know what? Israel still won. So suck-it. It should also be noted, however, that I am not great at any of those sports. As a result, I went with the only sport I could: Running.

Now this sport made sense to me. I was good at running. That big motherfucker that wanted to punch me in the face? Do you think I fought him? Fuck that. I ran. I ran and I went home. That's how I realized that I should do cross-country. After all, running track has you running in circles. You can't out run a grizzly bear on a track. It just has to wait for you to turn left again, and then BAM! You're competing against Leonardo DiCaprio for worst bear attack. 

So I ran cross-country. And I was not terrible. I wasn't great, but I was able to run 5 kilometers in less than 25 minutes. And that was when I didn't know about how to properly train. In Spring, however, and I was in trouble. All the sports were things that I cannot do well. Throw a ball? Please. Catch a ball? I have a better chance of it hitting me in the face. That's why I quit soccer camp as a kid. I got hit in the face with a ball. After I stopped crying, I got back in and got hit in the face again. That was it. I didn't need to play a sport if it meant that I was going to get hit in the face all the time. That's what that big motherfucker was for. 

Now that I was in high school sports, I had to figure something out. Then it hit me: Pole Vaulting. You know, you run, plant a stick in the ground, fly in the air, and then fall onto a mat. It was perfect! I could run very quickly for the short distance I had to travel. I could put a stick in the ground and fly in the air. And I had no qualms with falling from high elevations. So that was it. The only problem, is that the coach taught me the wrong technique. Instead of gracefully flying over the bar, I would be in the air, spinning around, and landing on my head. 

At one practice, these two guys kept asking if I was alright. I just laughed, grabbed the pole, and tried again. By the end of the day, they said I was the craziest person they had ever seen. Flash-forward a month, and I am at the "Cultural Awareness" event at school. Appropriately, I have my purple kilt on. Yes, I am Jewish. Yes I have Celtic blood in my veins. And yes I will wear a kilt and yarmulke at the same time. Do you know what that makes me? A melting-pot. Kinda like America. Suck-it. But I digress.

I am wearing my kilt, walking around with a friend, and he sees two guys walking towards me. One was from that practice, the other was some stranger. At this point I should elaborate to say that these two gentlemen were black, and very vocal about their gang relations. My friend automatically assumed that they were coming to give me shit about my kilt. The stranger asked why I was wearing a skirt. I immediately told him to get his shit straight, and that it was a kilt. The one who saw me at practice said, "Yo, you representin'?" When I responded "Hell yeah!", the guy turns to the stranger and says "Don't fuck with this guy. He is one crazy motherfucker." The guy from practice then did some sort of handshake with me, which I still do not understand, and they walked away. 

Moral of the Story: I am still not good at "conventional" sports, and I do not understand the fancy handshakes people do. Oh, and if you fly 15-20 feet in the air and land on your head, and then you get up and laugh, people think you're crazy and you get instant street cred.