Everyday, when I sit down to write, I have the same thoughts run through my head. Usually, its "I'm hungry....What am I going to write.....Did I already finish my coffee.......Why did I drink all my coffee.......why am I too lazy to make more coffee........What am I going to write.....Well, shit. I might as well start writing and hope something comes together.....Fuck it, let's go."
So what am I going to write about today? A whole lot of random shit. First of all, I love my wife. She is absolutely the best. And she always keeps me on my toes. The other day, we were watching a movie on the couch. She had a blanket, because the air conditioning was on. I was not under the blanket, because it's summer. Out of the blue, she takes the blanket and holds it over my head. I look over to her, while my head is under the blanket, waiting for her to remove it. The blanket has a big ass fish (Bass?) on it, so I imagine it looked like the fish was looking at her. When she takes the blanket off, I ask why she felt the need to hold the blanket over my head. Her response was, "Practice." I then realize that she was holding the blanket the same way one holds a pillow, before smothering a person. On an unrelated note, I have removed my wife as the beneficiary for when I die.
But speaking of my wife, she and I saw the movie Central Intelligence. I won't give details, except that it includes a High School reunion. This was interesting timing, because I just received the Facebook invite to be part of my high school reunion next year. Now, I don't want to go. I was talking to a friend, and we each agreed that the biggest reason to go is to see who is on drugs, in jail, or dead. Or how many people have kids, payments, and one or more ex-wives/husbands. And that's what I realized is the fucked up thing about high school reunions. Nobody ever goes to see how everyone else is doing. They go to see how fucked up everyone's life has become. Nobody goes back thinking, "Gosh, I can't wait to see Tom, and Sally, and Mike, and Sheri! I sure hope they fulfilled their potential!"
No. Fuck that. You go back to say, "Hey, Tom! Hey, Sally! Oh, you got a divorce? Mike is in jail? Sheri is a crack-whore?! You don't say! Well did you see that I have an awesome life with a shit-tonne of money and happiness? Good! That's right, fuck you d-bags for being assholes in high school." Next thing you know, Sheri is trying to trade party favors for some blow, and Mike is using his 5 minute phone call to call Sheri, telling her to score some extra money for bail. And all the while, you can't stop staring at Sheri and her crack teeth. I mean, seriously. You want an anti-drug commercial? Show what drugs do to a person's oral hygiene. Nobody likes meth mouth, nobody.
If I went to my reunion, I would want to do so from a observation deck. Knowing the people I went to school with, and knowing how some of them turned out, I would want a sneeze guard between us. You don't want to catch anything contagious. Especially if broken dreams and regret are contagious. And now I have an image in my head of an imaginary world. And in this world, you walk around with a shiny gold collar holding a thick-ass sneeze guard in front of your face. Because you don't want to catch the "Dumb". And then you have people talking, and someone sneezes. The first person goes and they sneeze and hit their head off the sneeze guard in front of your face. You are nice and clean, but that fella has a bruise. They then turn and sneeze, and it lands right in the second person's face. And just like that, they caught the "Dumb". Otherwise, they'd have been smart enough to bring the sneeze guard.
Speaking of sneezing, have you ever noticed how people sneeze? Or even worse, have you ever tried to change your sneeze? Some people sneeze and it comes out like a little squeak. Others sneeze, and they try to stop it, and you can visibly see the pain as the pressure floods into their head and the vein in their temples starts throbbing. Then you have the violent sneezers. You know the ones. They sneeze and they put all their weight into it. You can hear that sumbitch sneezing across town. And heaven help you if you are in the line of fire. They sneeze and everyone in front of the person gets a free shower. They sneeze with food in their mouth, and suddenly it looks like the Exorcism. Suddenly rice turns into buckshot. Sneeze inside a car and it looks like a shotgun went off. You spend your life picking the rice out of every vent, off the windows, steering wheel, everything.
But back to the reunion, I think my wife would like me to go to the high school reunion. Not because I would enjoy it, necessarily, but to show off how great she is. And to be fair, I did not date in high school. In fact, I'm guessing people questioned my orientation. It would be nice to be able to say, "Ha! See?! I did meet a girl. And not only that, but she's awesome! And smart! And
look at her! You see? I'm
not going to die alone. Fuck you, Tom and Sally. Suck it. No, not you Sheri. Don't touch me. Go back and visit Mike. He's probably lonely. Unless Tiny visited him, in which case he may be busy being the inside spoon."
Moral of the Story: My wife is practicing how to smother me, and I have a high school reunion next year.
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