How I Met My Wife

So, this is similar to the show, "How I Met Your Mother", except it's different. Why? Because I didn't meet your mother. And at this point I have to restrain myself from saying any "Your Mother" jokes. For instance, I did not meat your mother, either. I did meet your mother, last night. It was over coffee and crepes. Why did we have coffee and crepes last night? Because fuck you, that's why. That's why I don't tell "Your Mother" jokes.

But alas, I am talking about meeting my wife. When I met my wife, it was a peculiar circumstance. We had a mutual friend that asked if I wanted to go to dinner with her and her friends. I asked who the friends were, and found out that it was her fiancee and her friend Zhu. That's not her real name, but I am not giving real names. The problem is, at the time, the only Zhu I knew was a rotund Chinese man that I went to school with in undergrad. On an unrelated note, the name Zhu is pronounced "Ju" or "Jew". So this is one of those situations where you create a lie, get caught in the lie, and you have to follow through. But in reality, I knew a lot of Zhu's through the local Synagogue and Chabad. But I digress.

After I found out that Zhu was female, I was intrigued. Even so, I was hesitant to agree. Our mutual friend then said, "You're still single, right? Not that it matters..." I responded with, "Not that it matters, but should I wear a nice shirt?"

I show up to dinner, and take a booth right behind a cute Chinese girl. When our mutual friend and her fiancee arrived, we both got up to hug them. That's when we realized that we were all eating together. After the dinner, we went our separate ways and started talking online. I had to travel for work, and so we went from a blind-date-thing to online dating. That lasted 10 days, after which time we had a proper date. The rest was history.

Now why do I mention this? Because that 10 days of online messaging was intense. It started off all flirtatious, which is impressive because of how awkward I am. And just so you know, I am the king of awkward. It is a weapon, and I use it as such. Others fear awkwardness, and hide from it. I was born awkward, and was molded to be awkward. I was rock climbing once, and got tired at the top of the little cliff. Because I was tired, I decided to rest with half of my body up and half of my body hanging. That's right, my ass was hanging off the side of a cliff. My friend said I looked like a wet napkin.

But during that 10 days of online chat, we started off flirtatious. Then, next thing I know, we are discussing genetic diseases and how we felt about raising kids with one religion or another. So you could say that the conversation escalated. Why do I mention this? Because last night, my wife mentioned that the first time she ever thought of giving up on me was during that 10 day period. Evidently, she and I had been talking, and I mentioned that I had to tell her about the time I got stabbed. Rather than actually telling her the story, I followed up by saying, "Good night!"

My wife told me that she was ready to bail, but she came back around when she heard the story. I then brought up the concern that my wife said it was "the first time" she considered leaving me, which would suggest that there were/are more times. Her response was to laugh, and say, "Yeah, of course."

Moral of the story: I suck at dating and I am lucky to have such a wonderful wife.