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Monday, June 20, 2016

James Patterson and Flatulence

So, yesterday proved two things to me. 1) the book industry is dying, and 2) my wife loves me. First off, I need to make a public apology to my wife. Yesterday, I ate 4 bowls of cereal. That included a lot of milk and protein. While it was not as bad as hot-boxing an airplane, it was pretty bad. The fact that my wife didn't divorce me last night is a miracle. I mean, wow. I would have divorced me. I actually wanted to. Or at least divorce my ass. I started running to the far side of the backyard to break wind, and it did not help. I would sit out there for several minutes, and the odor would follow me back to the house. We have been dog sitting for my folks, while they enjoy a much deserved vacation. Even the dog was thinking, "Damn. And they complain about me?" At one point, my wife even sprayed my ass with bug-spray to try covering the smell. The result? I just ended up smelly, but with fewer mosquito bites.

On the other subject, I've been reading James Patterson's Zoo. I watched the TV show on Netflix, loved the concept, and decided to read the book. The concept is that the world is entering into an "apocalyptic" period. The difference is that, instead of zombies or world war, it is from an animal mutation. All of the world's animals start evolving to hunt people. I won't say anything more, except that you should both read the book and watch the show. Each has a different spin on the same concept, and each has its own merits.

Image result for zoo james patterson

What I do not appreciate, however, is the sequel, Zoo 2. I did not realize this, but James Patterson has started writing "short" books. The book is approximately 150 pages and gives only the most critical plot points. Now, I recognize the value. He wants to cater to the greatest market. The problem is that the greatest market is A.D.D. as a motherfucker and doesn't read anymore. I'm talking about the Millennials, Generation Z, and everyone else. And everyone can cut their bitching, because the majority don't read shit unless it's on Facebook. And let's be honest, half that shit is from a Liberal or Conservative outlet that won't tell shit about anything important. Seriously, who fucking cares about the color of a dress? But I digress.

My issue with the sequel is that, while hitting all of the key points, it left out so many opportunities to be expanded. How the fuck does the main character go from being in France to being in South Africa, over the course of two pages? I cannot believe that, in two months of an apocalyptic pandemic, nothing happens. If nothing else, you can make up a new character and kill them off. Hell, Game of Thrones and Walking Dead do that all the time. Week 1: "Oh, I like this new character. He/she has a great future." Next Week: "Why?! Why did you have to kill that character!? They just showed up and only wanted to save their pet/friend/family/lover/inanimate object!!"

Moral of the Story: My wife loves me, I may or may not have had something crawl up my ass and die, and James Patterson needs to hurry up and write Zoo 2.5:The Rest of the Story. Oh, and read a goddamn book.


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