When they finally got back, I was so excited to see everyone. That's a lie. I was excited to see my wife. I have nothing against my mother-in-law, or my wife's cousin, but I don't live with them. So you could say I was pleased to see that they were happy/safe/whatever, but my real excitement was to see my wife. But as I am helping to load their luggage from the bus to the car, I notice that my wife's cousin is wearing a surgical mask. I ask my wife if her cousin is okay.
Now at this point I need to be honest. I had an ulterior motive for asking. Yes, I wanted to make sure the cousin was feeling well. But more importantly, I wanted to make sure she wasn't contagious. You see a medical mask on someone and they are not performing surgery? My first assumption is SARS, Bubonic Plague, or the AIDS. Or the Swine Flu. As a Jew I can tell you, that shit ain't kosha. So yes, I was concerned for her health, but really I was concerned for mine.
But after I ask my wife about the mask, she tells me that her cousin "is afraid of getting tan"....
I immediately started laughing and asked if she was serious. I laughed even harder when my wife said she was. Now to be fair, that explained why her cousin was wearing ten different layers. She had a full coat, hat, jeans, face mask. The woman looked like the goddamn unibomber. If she had walked into a convenience store, they'd have thought she was robbing the fucking place. I thought the cousin was crazy, but it turns out that this is a serious concern for Chinese people. Or at least the women? I don't fucking know. What tripped me the fuck out was that she was wearing those layers inside the fucking vehicle. Turns out, they even bring full sized umbrellas onto buses.
Anyway, I ask if the cousin is too hot, wearing all those layers, and she replies that she's actually cold. Now we've been through this. I am a sweater. I am a very sweat person. As I sit here on the couch, in my underwear, I am at risk of breaking into a sweat. It happens. Especially in the summer, when the humidity is high and the temperatures are high. So how the fuck can someone be wearing a full coat in summer and not sweat? I'll tell you.
China, for some inexplicable reason, has the most ridiculous body image standards for women in the world. Again, I want to clarify that this information has been confirmed for me through several Chinese people from all over the country. Chinese women, if they weigh more than 100 lbs (approximately 45kg), are considered to be fat. Just think about that for a second. If a person cannot wrap their hand fully around the wrist of a woman, she's considered overweight. When I first heard that, I thought it had to be bullshit.
I learned about this one day, when my wife was worried about her bodyweight. We did a body composition test and found out that she had over 100 lbs of pure muscle. That's right, my wife is strong as fuck. I once got schwasty-facedd at a Halloween party. My wife dragged my ass to the car, drove home, and then carried my candy-ass up the stairs and to the bed. All the while, I just kept saying "I have failed this city." I told my wife that if she were to try to meet the bullshit Chinese standard, she was going to need an eating disorder. I also told her I'd slap her ass into therapy if that happened. I'm not going to be married to a skeleton. Fuck that.
(On a side note: If you would like to be strong enough to carry your loved one when they're drunk, and need help getting to that level, post in the comments and we can schedule a consultation. As a personal trainer, I cannot guarantee that you will be strong enough to carry your loved ones. I can guarantee that you will at least be able to kick them.)
One of the current trends for the "ideal" body in China is for the projected image (shadow) of a woman's waist to be no wider than 11.5 inches. You read that correctly. Do you know what I call that? A fucking eating disorder. I was talking to Soup, and he said that women in China are afraid to jog because it might make their leg muscles too large. I will not dig into the science of that bullshit, but let it be known that it is bullshit.
Bringing this back to the tanning debacle, that's why these Chinese women can wear a fucking parka in the middle of summer and not sweat. They're metabolism is so low that their bodies don't produce any fucking heat. Also, related to the tanning issue, did you know that some Chinese women are bleaching their skin? They aren't using actual bleach, I don't think, but they are trying to get whiter. Look at the famous actresses in China, right now. Go on, Google it. I'll wait.....
See how pale they are? I got news for ya, that's not natural. They look like they have fucking lead poisoning. I understand that some people are naturally pale. I do. I am one of them. Even for a Jewish white boy, I am very pale. But why the fuck would you try to surgically change your skin color like that? Did they not see what happened to Michael Jackson? He went from a talented black boy and grew up into a talented, pedophile white woman. I can already hear people start bitching and moaning about "it's too soon" or "don't speak ill of the dead". You know what, I didn't force Jackson to sleep in the same bed as little boys. That's all I'm saying. He was a great musician, but he had a fucked up personal life. But I digress.
Moral of the Story: I titled this "Printer Paper" because that's what Chinese women seem to be striving for. Unnaturally thin and awkwardly white. Either that, or they are becoming vampires. Either way, that shit ain't right. Oh, and my wife is awesome and strong as fuck.
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