Zika: A Love Story

So this past week, the office had a safety meeting about Zika. I don't know the details, except that it is the new health scare that is sweeping the world. I told my assistant that I don't really worry about Zika. I know I should, but I don't. Until someone in my neck of the woods dies from it, I don't worry about catching it. She then started talking about how I "should worry for my future kids". My response? "Fuck that."

I hope I do carry and spread the virus to our kids. Between my wife and I, they will develop the immunity to it. Suddenly their blood will be analyzed for the anti-bodies, and our kids will become the first or second coming of the Messiah, pending your religious subscription. Or they will be the embodiment of scientific adaptation and evolution and the Atheists will have their glory. Either way, our kids will be heroes. They will make a Lifetime Original Movie about our kids. "Akiz: Saving Our World". It will be fake and share the struggles that my wife and I have, trying to have faith in our children, despite their clear disdain for science. And why "Akiz"? Because they are the ones to reverse the Zika.

 "But what if they are not immune?" Well you know what, then we will have Zika babies. And they will be zombies. And we will make money off of the SyFy Original Movie. "Zeeks: The Zika Zombies". And it will be fake and share the struggles that my wife and I have, trying to have faith in our children, despite their clear disdain for human food. Why "Zeeks"? Because they are infected and Zika would actually be a semi-beautiful name. But our kids' friends will be tired of saying "Zika" all the time, and start calling our kids "Zik". And the plural for "Zik" is "Zeek". Why? Because I said so. Fuck you, that's why.

Moral of the story: I am not watching the Safety Video about Zika, which will tell me to avoid mosquito bites. Like I needed that advice? Those are some itchy sons of bitches. Why not use bug spray? Because it smells and makes me feel sticky. I'll just stay inside, where there's air conditioning and no bugs to bite me. That also saves me from getting that awkward sweat. Not really.