Baby Daddy 2: Telling People

So, as you may have read, I'mma be a Baby Daddy. And like I said, I will tell y'all about all the fucked up shit that goes with it. First, let me share how we told people. I am trying to remember that I have family that could read this. If they do, then they are going to be pissed that I did not call them. At the same time, we plan to tell the family in person, after we are absolutely certain that the pregnancy is healthy and normal. That's not to say that the pregnancy is abnormal, with aliens and monsters and shit, but the first trimester is a big fucking deal. That's when the future kid gets a nervous system and circulatory system. In other words, this is when we are most likely to fuck up our kids.

But on to the story of telling people. I told my buddy Forest, as soon as I found out. Forest isn't his real name, and I can't remember the alias I gave him previously. Fuck you, I'm not reading through 50 posts to find a single name that was fake to start. So guess what? His name is Forest. He immediately called me to congratulate us. He then started talking about how we were the first of his friends to have a baby, and that we were ushering in that period of life where everyone is getting married and settling down. That made me happy. Do you know why? Because I suck dick at races. I am never the first to win anything. In fact, I am usually towards the back of the group, if not last. I didn't realize that being adult was a race, but fuck you, we're winning!

Now I know what you're going to say, "Why didn't you tell your parents first?" Well, that's something to be done in person and they were both busy. And it was 22:30 and dark as fuck. I had to tell someone, so I told my Best Man. After that, we planned how to tell my family. We set up for my folks to come visit us for lunch the next day. Now, some people send funny pictures. Others give presents. We gave a card. The card said, "You have 9 months to figure out what your grandchild will call you....Good Luck." My folks read that and immediately started to scream. I've only ever heard my dad hit that high of a pitch once, before, and that was when I accidentally threw a baseball a tad too low. On a related note, I recommend others to give this news in a more open environment. Hearing that loud of a scream in a closed space (like a car) makes for a fairly consistent ringing in your ears.

The next glorious moment was to tell our Game Night Friends. My wife told one of her friends to let her boyfriend know to bring more chicken, because my wife was now eating for two. These people are both Game Night Friends, but the friend is away for school. My wife then told Noelle, who thought we were lying. Tod-d heard, and demanded proof. After we showed them the picture of the preggers test, Noelle jumped up and started shouting that she was going to be Aunty Noelle. Tod-d jumped up, too, but only to refill his Jack and Coke. Fuck Tod-d. On a related topic, Tod-d came in with a nearly empty bottle of Jack, covered by a Wendy's bag. He has since earned another title, "Old Jack Wendy".

Later in the night, we were playing a game and Tod-d threw a card down. The card somehow bounced, hitting my wife in the face. Without missing a beat, she grabbed her stomach and said, "Oh no, the baby! Why Craig, why?!" Tod-d laughed and apologized, and commented that my wife called him Craig. She replied, "Because I don't know you, anymore." I took the opportunity to steal some of the Jack and Coke, as well as a swig of another friend's beer. Don't judge me! My wife can't drink, so I have to drink for two. I told my wife that when she has the baby, or if she decides to get rid of it, she should have the beer. It was tasty. I was able to gather from the look my wife's face, however, that she did not appreciate the joke.

Ahmed then showed up, later in the evening. We told him and he had the biggest grin. For a man that is a hardcore, Atheist, Middle Eastern guy, he became the cuddliest teddy-bear. Towards the end of the night, we were talking to everyone. They commented at how great, and possibly fucked up, our kid was going to be by hanging out with them. Everyone cannot wait to see the child and to have their own personal hand in making the child a delinquent.  I asked who was going to be the "Weird Uncle", and both Tod-d and Ahmed immediately laughed and claimed the title. I look forward to the pending cage fight, where we will crown the winner. "There can be only one!"

Moral of the Story: If our kid is fucked up, I'm blaming Game Night Friends. Oh, and my folks are still debating on what to be called.