Fatherhood

I know that I have written a lot of stories about becoming a father, and I know that I have written a lot of stories that would make people question my competency as a father. This is neither of those things. Well, it might be. I don't know. We'll just have to see where it goes. But the approach to this post is a much more contemplative one.

The other day, I started think about the fact that I will be a father. What's more, I took some time to look at the state of the world. And then I got depressed. If you look at the state of the world, we have leaders that will say anything to win. We have dictatorial regimes. We have hate speech. We have hate crimes. We have poverty, corruption, violence, drugs, and climate change. And if you are about to rant about how climate change is a myth, then fuck you. Pull your head out of your ass, and realize that climate change is real. Climate change is scary. And even if it's not, why the fuck would you not want a better, cleaner world? And with all of these issues, I started to wonder, "Are we fucking up?" And this brought me to something that I have reflected upon for nearly 10 years.

For the longest time, I have questioned why we have children. Scientifically, it is an instinctual desire. Somewhere in our more primitive DNA, we are encoded with the desire to extend our genetic legacy. I was reading somewhere that this is part of the reason why sexual activity is so pleasurable. Most people have sex because they enjoy it. But on a biological level, it is a misdirect. The idea is that our bodies evolved to make sex pleasurable, so that we would be more likely to have sex. In doing so, we would be more likely to procreate. Of course, our bodies did not expect for our brains to invent the condom, birth control pills, etc. And so, on some level, I have always wondered if my desire to have children was more of an instinctual compulsion. If that was the case, then did I really want kids?

This is where we are going to take a brief detour, and look at what it means to have kids. As I mentioned before, the world is a fucked up place. We have constant threats and dangers. They are mostly man-made, but they still exist. If you look at the trends and expectations for the world, they only grow more dim. Is it really appropriate to bring a child into this world? On the contrary, I think there could be a strong argument that it would be negligent to do so. That's like selling someone a car, when you know that the engine could fail at any time.You can do it, and there is a chance that the car will not fail, but you don't know if it will someday blow up. Is it really fair to bring a child into this world? Is it fair to the child that we give them this pile of shit to someday deal with?

Approaching this question as a Jew, I had additional concerns. I experienced antisemitism and hate at a young age. Is it worth having kids, knowing that they may someday be subjected to hate? How would I be able to help them cope with such an experience. On a side note, I have to give tremendous credit to my folks. How they managed to keep me from being a fucked up person is beyond me. Okay, maybe I have a slightly fucked up sense of humor. But at least I am not afraid or ashamed to show my faith and my culture.

I continued to have these questions and doubts, until I was watching a TV show one day. I was watching the show Castle, which centers around a murder mystery writer that helps NYPD to solve murder investigations. During one episode, one of the detectives starts talking about his wife wanting a baby. He asks his partner, seeing all the shit that they do, how he could be expected to have a child. He had the same dilemma that I did. The partner then said something that I did not expect. The partner said that it was true, the world is much colder and harder than it should be for children. He then said that the key is to raise the child to be warmer, and kinder. He said that you have the child and raise the child, so that they may someday fix the mistakes that past generations have made.

I have often times reflected upon this. Now that we are expecting our first baby, I have reflected upon it more. When my wife and I decided to start trying, it was a very conscious decision. She was ready before I was. And when I finally decided I was ready to start trying, I had all of these thoughts flash through my mind. And in the end, I realized that I wanted to meet our future kids. I love my wife, with all of my heart. And at the risk of sounding cocky, I love myself. I have constantly tried to become the type of person that I would like to spend time with. And in doing so, I started to imagine what our kids would be like. I started to imagine what it would be like, to take the best parts of my wife, and the best parts of me, and combine them into a single person.

Then I started to dream of what we can teach our kids. I realize that they will have their own interests. Based on their parents, our kids will likely have a variety of interests. And I started to think about how we can help them to develop these passions. I started imagining how we could help them to be better than we are. We can help them to be better than our generation. We could help them to fix the problems we face. And I know, I sound like most current or future parents. "Well my kid is special. They are going to change the world." Well you know what, fuck it. I do hope our kid changes the world. If they do even one thing to make the world a better place, then we will have been a success.

 

This is the part of the post where I would normally insert a terrible joke. I know the exact joke in my head, and I just laughed out loud, but I do not want to dilute this post. I still question whether or not I actually wanted children, or whether I was just following a primitive, preconditioned instinct. And regardless of the motivating factor, I have a baby on the way. But every time that I start to question our decisions, and every time I start to question the humanity of what we are doing, I think about our future kid. I cannot wait to come home, and the child run into my arms. I cannot wait to teach the kid to be better than I am. I still dread the day that my children are exposed to the bitter sides of life, but I also look forward to when I can help them to overcome those tribulations.

So that's it. I doubt I will ever know if I made a conscious decision to have kids, or if my primitive brain took over. I do know that I am excited to meet each new person, as they come into the family, and I am excited to see them do better than we did.