Jason Bourne vs Sharknado 4

So, it's been a while since my last post. I think my new goal is to write something once a week. When will I write it? I don't know. What does that mean? It means you need to check this shit out each day. Or click the little "Follow" link and get updated when I post. Regardless, here we go.

Last weekend was a fantastic weekend. Yesterday, in particular, I had the joy of watching two movies. The first was Jason Bourne. Good movie. I won't spoil anything, except to say that it is a Jason Bourne movie. On a related note, the movie references CCTV a few times. What is CCTV? It is China's TV network. Why do I mention this? Because it seems like anything technological has started to refer to CCTV. What does that mean for us? I have not a goddamn clue. I am trying to figure out if China is secretly funding US movies, or if US movies are pandering to China. And now I hate myself for missing the opportunity to work a "panda" pun into "pandering" to China. "Panda-ring". There you go. Suck it.

The other movie I saw, which I highly recommend to hate yourself after watching, was Sharknado 4: The "4th" Awakens. Yes, that's right. They made a fourth Sharknado movie. For those that don't know, the premise is that there are tornadoes and that they have sharks. The first movie was bad, but entertaining. The second movie was worse, but had cameos. The third movie was a "what the fuck" type movie. This fourth one was a "fuck it" movie. What is a "fuck it" movie? It's one where the writers say, "Fuck it. Let's just make this shit as ridiculous as we can." Now, I thought the third movie was a "fuck it" movie, but I was wrong. While the cameos are less in this one, they reference the shit out of other epic movies. They alluded to Star Wars, Star Trek, Indiana Jones, Wizard of Oz, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and a shit tonne of other films.

Now, at this point I want to discuss how much I hate that I watched and was entertained by this movie. First of all, it stars Tara Reid. The irony is that they transformed her character into something like the terminator. Why is that ironic? Because Tara Reid has had so much plastic surgery that she may, in fact, be more synthetic than human. It looks like Tara Reid put on a Tara Reid Halloween mask, and then made it her real face.

I mean, seriously. I know that these photos are over 10 years apart, but what. the. fuck. Maybe I am wrong. If I am wrong, then I would like to know how Tara Reid was able to act and speak and emote without actually moving her face. Don't get me wrong, she is free to do what she wants to look the way she wants, but damn.

And now, I give you spoilers. And if you get pissed off because I am about to spoil Sharknado 4, then fuck you. Seriously? Elevate your standards . It's a shitty ass movie on SyFy network - a network that sacrificed proper grammar in the abbreviation of its name, much like it sacrificed any quality in its movie. In the end of the movie, you have the protagonist family going to war against a "Nuke-Nado". That's right, you heard me. You have a goddamn sharknado, flying with goddamn nuclear warheads, which explode. Even neglecting the fact that the radioactive fallout from that would fuck over the entire US (the nuke-nado is over Niagara Falls), the movie plays the nesting dolls game with the fucking family. You have literally four people eaten alive by sharks. As each shark eats a person, it gets eaten by another shark. Then that shark eats a person, and gets eaten by another shark. And how does the last shark get eaten? By a mother fucking whale. Because evidently whales eat sharks. And before people start arguing science and shit, we are not talking about some Shamu orca shit, but a Blue goddamn whale. You know what they eat? Krill. That's right. They eat the dwarf version of a shrimp. Except in this movie, where it eats the biggest fucking great white shark in the goddamn world. Fuck getting a bigger boat, get Ahab.

Then a fucking five year old retrieves a goddamn chainsaw from a rock. One, who puts a chainsaw in a rock? Two, who makes a fully functional chainsaw, that's sized for kids? Three, what fucking kid takes a chainsaw and starts cutting into whales and sharks? That's fucked up. Kid saves two siblings and a grandfather (Hasselhoff), before Tara Reid shows up and uses a fucking lightsaber to cut a door into the whale. And at the end, they drag the kids' father from the inner-most shark.

And that leads me to the part that frustrates me most about this movie. Forgetting all the other issues with the movie, they fucked up the CPR. Hasselhoff is performing CPR on his son, the kids' father, and he fucks it up. He has bent arms, hardly pushes, and tells Tara Reid to blow into the guy's mouth every 5 pumps. Everything about that is wrong. And what's worse? They use sharks as defibrillators. Don't get me wrong, I am not upset about the fact that they used sharks as defibrillators, but the fact that they used them. Defibrillators are not used to start the heart. On the contrary, they are used to stop it. That's when you restart CPR, and hope to bring the person back to life. And that was the absolute worst part of the movie. I was able to set aside the absurdity of a mother fucking nuclear sharknado, with Tara Reid using a prosthetic lightsaber, but I cannot get past the incorrect CPR technique. I mean, Hasselhoff was a fake life guard for how many years? Get your shit together, sir.

So that's it. Jason Bourne is a great movie, and Sharknado 4 is a terrible movie. You should go see both of them. Right now. You may want to drink or do some drugs before Sharknado 4, but go now.