As you may or may not have known, I started learning Krav Maga a couple weeks ago. As someone described it on The Big Bang Theory, it's 1,000 ways to rip a guys testicles off. That's not entirely true, but it is. On a side note, Ahmed mentioned that I should enter a cage fight, now that I am learning how to defend myself. I told him that's a terrible choice. He asked why, and I told that I am literally learning every technique that is outlawed in professional fighting. What most cage-fighter try to avoid, Krav Maga avidly encourages. I'm talking eye-poke, dick-punch, fish hook, nose picker, and throat stomp. But I digress.
Why do I talk about Krav Maga, in a section about being a baby daddy? One, because nobody has a sense of humor. Last night, we learned about elbows. Of the eight elbow strikes we learned, there was one that goes to the back, and down. Think of this as elbowing a person in the gut. I then made the joke about going home to practice with my preggers wife. Evidently the women in the class have not figured out that I have a fucked up sense of humor. Their eyes got big and they immediately started asking if I was serious. I told them that I wasn't. Why? Because I'm not that stupid. If I tried to practice with my wife, she'd knock my ass out with a fucking skillet. How do I know? Because she playfully tried to do it last weekend. I then joked that I did look forward to when my boy interrupts my training, and I accidentally elbow him in the face. Again, the group had no humor. One was talking about all these safety precautions I could take. I told her my safety precaution would be that my son would hopefully block the elbow and whoop my ass. She then asked if I was talking about my unborn child. Like that makes a difference? Fuck that. I expect my boy to kick my ass by the time he's a month old. If he can't throw me across the room by the time he's 6-months old, I have failed him.
But I digress...again. The reason why I discuss this is because I do plan on teaching my family Krav Maga. I believe that everyone should know how to protect themselves. I told my folks about it, and they couldn't wait to be the Krav Maga Saba and Tzavta (Grandpa and Grandma). I told my wife about this idea and she was thrilled. She immediately started talking about how she can then use the techniques to beat our son, and force him to get straight A's in Harvard Medical School. Yes, that's right. My Chinese wife wants to learn Israeli combat, so that she can force her son the be a doctor. Now before some asshole tries to call protective services, we will not beat our children. We may spar with them, and whoop their asses, but we won't beat them.
And that part is true. One concern a lot of people have is that our kids will get picked on or get into fights. Being half Chinese, half Jewish, and raised in the South, that's a very realistic possibility. And that is why I am training them to know how to fight. Now there's a condition to that. They can never start a fight, but they had damn well better finish it. My wife was talking about how, if Chinese sons lose a fight, their fathers beat them so that the son loses twice. I told my wife that our boy won't lose. I also told her that, should our kids ever want to start a fight, they will come home and fight me. If they're justified in their aggression, having been victimized or slighted, they will win their fight. If they are just being a hormonal shit-brain teenager, I make sure they lose. Of course, if our kids win the fight, then it also means that I will be talking to parents, a school, and/or a lawyer after. If our kids lose the fight, then I'mma make them get me a beer and then ask their mother about science. That way I can crush them physically, and she can crush them mentally. Because fuck teenagers. Assholes.
Moral of the Story: My family is going to learn Krav Maga and I'm cautious when my wife has a pot, pan, or skillet in her hands.
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