GOOOOOOOOD MOOOOORRRRNIIIIIING!! Yes I am posting this in the morning. In fact, I write most of my stories in the morning. Why? So that I can deliver the best content I have while my brain is fresh. That's right, this is the best shit I can come up with. Aren't you sad, now? Well good. So am I. Not really.
I would like to start by saying that my wife's cat is either the most helpful cat in the world, or the biggest dick in the world. As you know, my wife and I are expecting a child. In fact, we are expecting a boy. And as you know, or may not know, I don't know, at least not yet, babies suck for sleep. From what I understand, the odds are high that our new addition will be up at all hours of the night. On the one hand, I have cycles where I do not sleep much either. I wake up in the middle of the night, or in the early morning, and I never get back to a full sleep.
Speaking of which, the other night I woke up in the night to go to the bathroom. First, this is how I know that I am getting older. My wife gets up in the night to use the bathroom, but she has a tumor pressing on her bladder. And yes, I just referred to my boy as a tumor. Until he's removed, I will maintain that he is a sexually transmitted tumor. The good thing is this tumor comes out on his own. Which is really for the best. People look at you like your crazy when you start getting chemotherapy in the second trimester. "But that's bad for the baby!" You don't know!! Our kid could become the Incredible Hulk! But will we ever find out? No. And that's the shame of it. Our kid will never be able to fulfill his potential for saving the world and losing his temper. I blame Obama. And Bush. And science.
But I digress. The other night, I woke up and had to go to the bathroom. I know I am getting older, because this is happening more and more. Either that, or my bladder has somehow synchronized with my wife's. And that was the unfortunate part about it. I woke up, went into the bathroom, and saw my wife there. Now why was that unfortunate? Because I have shitty vision without my glasses, and it is worse in the dark. In my half-sleep stupor, I walked into a bathroom to see a random-ass person staring back at me. The fact that I did not pee on myself, right there in the hallway, is a goddamn miracle. My wife, on the other hand, was simultaneously disappointed and thrilled. On the one hand, she was happy that I did not go into defense mode. On the other hand, she found out that my defense mode is to scream like a girl and nearly pee myself. I don't know if that would be a good defensive strategy against an intruder, or not....
But back to my story. Why is the cat either very helpful or a tremendous dick? Because he has started simulated what it will be like to have a baby. For the past several nights, he has decided to wake my ass up at 2 AM. In fact, on Sunday, he used his middle claw - the "Fuck You" claw - to wake me up at this time. I try to force myself to go back to sleep, but I invariably end up wide awake around 5 AM, which is my normal alarm. This cat will then follow me down stairs, binge eat (because he evidently refuses to eat alone at night), and will then proceed to puke up his recently eaten food. The cat will then stare at me like, "Well? Are you going to clean this shit up, 'Daddy'?" And so then I go and clean up his goddamn mess. Now on the one hand, I have to appreciate that this may very well be my life with the baby. On the other hand, my hostility toward the cat is rising in exponential proportion to the lack of sleep I get.
Moral of the Story: Our cat is an asshole and I will be useless during a home invasion.
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