Baby Daddy 9: What's In A Name?

As you may or may not know, depending on if you keep up with my posts, my wife and I are having a son. If you did not know, finish reading this and then read the rest of my posts. In fact, fuck that. Go through my posts and read the Baby Daddy series from the beginning. I never read what I write, so I cannot guarantee that it will be worth reading. But at least you'll be caught up. I'll wait.......

.......Caught up? Good. Fuck you. I know you didn't go back and read those posts. Lying sumbitch. I don't care, I'mma keep going.

With the news of our pending son, my wife and I began looking at what names we could give the child. Now while we have an idea, we are not going to share it. Why? Because we have commitment issues and don't want to be pinned down. But that is not what we are talking about today. Today, I am talking about nicknames. In particular, the fucked up nicknames. And in particular, the Chinese nicknames. 

Now not all Chinese nicknames are fucked up. My wife's Chinese friends call me 犹太姐夫(pronounced: Yóutài jiěfū). They do not always include the Yóutài part, but they always call me jiěfū. What does it mean? Essentially "Jewish Brother-In-Law". That's right, I have been adopted by my wife's Chinese friends as an in-law. And they are much like those in the South, and have adopted me as "their Jew". And that's a great way to be. It's like finding a four-leaf clover. I'm so rare that people care about me and want to make sure I am okay. I'm not quite as rare as a unicorn, but at least as rare and a Jew in the South or a Jew in a group of Chinese people. But I digress...

With our boy on the way, everyone is coming up with names and nicknames for the child. My father-in-law came up with two. The first one, we like: "Little Tiger". It is great. It is strong, and adorable. The other, is a little less so: "Fart-Ball". And I am not certain, but I think it is more literally translated to be "Fart-Testicle". Now I know what you may be thinking, "What the sweet fuck?" Well let me explain. In my wife's hometown, there used to be a high mortality rate in children. As a result, parents started nicknaming their kids with fucked up names. The reason was twofold. First, they thought it might ward off the Evil Eye. Second, it is very hard to mourn for someone nicknamed "Chicken Dick". And so following this trend, my father-in-law wants to have a discouraging nickname to keep the Evil Eye off our son.

Now, upon hearing this, I immediately asked my wife about her nickname. As it turns out, I married "Dog-Testicle". I do not quite understand why my father-in-law is obsessed with testicles, but evidently he is. But even so, this is common for that region of China. Even their terms of endearment are fucked up. One day, when I was stitching a hole in a sock, my mother-in-law told my wife, "You dog-fucker, that should be your job." Evidently it is fairly common for my mother-in-law to lovingly call my wife a mother fucker. Who knew? My wife's friend was talking, and said that she is routinely called a Son of Turtle. I don't even know what that fucking means. It's funny though. And so that's it. I just thought I would share that China has fucked up nicknames.

Moral of the Story: I would rather our son be known as "Little Tiger" than "Fart-Testicle".