Culture Shaming by Comcast

So this is one of those stories that you wouldn't think is real, but it is. Today is the first of the month, which means that it is Bills Day. That's right. This is the day that you get paid, feel rich, pay your bills, and feel broke as fuck. And on this glorious day, I chose to cancel the Comcast internet service at my wife's apartment. My mother-in-law went back to China, and we don't need to keep internet there anymore. And that leads me to the glory of Comcast Customer Service.

I need to preface this with saying that the account was in my wife's name. Rather than go through the hassle of having my wife call them to cancel, or give permission for me to cancel, I stole my wife's identity. It happens. Don't judge me. Fuck you. She was sitting next to me when I did it, so you can suck it. Anyway, we are talking and the Customer Service representative asks me to confirm my name. I say my name is Zhu Cang. And just so you know, that is not my wife's name. With the shit I say, I'm not putting her real identity on blast. Now as I explained my name, I told him it was pronounced "Zoo Kang".

So the customer service person helps us with canceling the account, and then asks if I happen to be Chinese. As it turns out, he's from Fujin Province. He starts asking how I normally pronounce my last name, at which point I explain that I actually pronounce it "Tzang" (the proper way to pronounce it). The customer service guy then starts talking to me about the history of the name, and asks if I am American or Chinese. I explain that I am American, but that my wife is from China. Suddenly, the guy starts talking to me about how I need to speak more Chinese, using a tone like I'm some child that disappointed him.

The man continued to explain the history of the Cang name, and then asked how I pronounce my first name. I explained, "Jew", and said that it meant Bamboo. The man then starts in on talking about how he thought it was the pronunciation that meant "Pearl", but that Bamboo is great. He said that he had me in his mind as glimmering, but I am actually earthen. He then thanks me for the honor of working with him and says, "Goodbye, Professor Cang."

I want it to be known that this entire conversation took place on speaker phone, and my wife was listening to every word. My reaction after hanging up was, "What. The. Fuck. ?", while my wife's reaction was, "What. The. Sweet. Fuck. ?" And so there you have it. I got culture shamed for being an American Born Chinese, and not knowing enough Chinese language.

Moral of the story: I'm earthy.