Panda Sex

Oh sweet mother of fuck. I was talking to my wife, and for some reason or another, we got on the topic of fucking panda bears. She was telling me about how panda bears are concentrated into areas, so that people can watch them eat bamboo and hump. All they do is eat and mate. She was talking and said, “Do you know the worst part? The panda does not want to hump!” The panda is just sitting there, saying, “I’m tired! I don’t want to hump. I just want to eat my bamboo! And look at her, she’s fat!” And then the female panda turns around and says, “Look at you. You’re no peach, either! I’ll just keep with my bamboo tonight.”

My wife was then talking about how the pandas, being lazy, receive help from their keepers in the mating. I suddenly got an image of a panda taking a position and saying, “Human! 'mere! Grab my fur. Now push my hips. Now pull....Now push....Now pull....Push..Pull..Push..Pull. Push. Pull. Push. Now get me a cigarette.” The female panda turns and says, “Get me my bamboo.”

Of course, I shared this and my wife said I had a fucked up sense of humor. She then shared with me the picture of a keeper helping the panda, and a headline from her hometown.

Yes, that’s right. The panda lasted 8 minutes, which was big news in China. My wife said that it is the most popular celebrity sex tape in China. So take that, Kim Kardashian.