I am paranoid about people hearing me go to the bathroom. I am. Once when I was a young lad, I went to the bathroom at my grandparents house. Evidently I didn't close the door all the way, because the noise echoed throughout their house. I came out to talk to everyone, and I could tell that the conversation was being forced. I didn't find out why until I was on the way home. Thus started my hypercritical analyses of going to the bathroom, and bathroom etiquette. Now before you people judge me, I want you to take a look at your behavior in the bathroom. And not that private bathroom that you go to, where there's a soundproof door and special insulation, where you could literally kill a man and nobody would hear, but the communal one.
On a side note, how many spy movies include people dying in the bathroom? Think about it. James Bond has killed SO MANY people after they finish peeing. I don't know if it was actually enough people to warrant the capital letters. I may have exaggerated. Even so, how do they know that nobody is going to come in? How do they know that some little kid isn't going to be walking in, holding his daddy's hand, getting ready to go pee-pee? If he's doing the pee-pee dance, would the spies stop fighting? After all, it's the pee-pee dance. Everyone knows that dance. The kid is going to go, no matter what. You don't want to be that guy that forces a kid to pee themselves. Even more, you don't want to be fighting someone and suddenly you slip because your foot hit the puddle on the floor, which could have been prevented if you just let the kid go pee-pee. But I digress.
Maybe I am weird, but I do not like the idea of peeing in public. First, there's noise. I don't know why, but I believe that my peeing should be private. It's worse when there are several people there, and then you start peeing, and you are so much louder than everyone else. What do you do? Do you try to change your aim? Do you try to reduce the intensity with which you are peeing? Or do you pee as hard and fast as you can pee, and embrace the resonance that is taking place from the room?
Another issue. I don't like to hear talking when I go pee-pee. You see in movies where someone in in the bathroom and suddenly a person comes in to try discussing a something. I see the logic of this when you are discuss a sensitive matter. Bathrooms (hopefully) do not have cameras or microphones. Even so, you are invading a person's privacy. What if that person has stage-fright? What kind of monster comes in when a person is at their most vulnerable, to discuss something serious? I understand that strategy in war, but this is a goddamn bathroom! The only war that should ever be taking place is between the person and either their bowels, their prostate, or their kidney stones.
And if you doubt that the bathroom is your most vulnerable state, then I challenge you to run a fucking 40-meter dash in the middle of doing your business. Can't do it, can ya? You know how I know? Because you would end up peeing on yourself. And nobody likes wet clothes. People in movies that do stuff with wet clothes on are miserable. Even when they finally get the boy or the get the girl, they are miserable. And likely chafed.
But I digress again. Two other items I've noticed. One, I firmly believe that more men pee sitting down because of their smartphone. It is far less risky to drop your phone in the toilet when you sit down. Why do you have your phone in the bathroom? Because your playing Pokemon GO, need to GO number 1, and you want to "catch 'em all". Or you are checking social media, which is dangerous. That's how you accidentally end up on a watch-list. On a related note, never answer the phone when you are in the bathroom. Why the fuck do you think your aunt wants to hear you peeing, while she asks for you to troubleshoot her computer?
The other item is, I believe, is localized to men. I pray that there will one day be a urinal with a splash guard. If you wear flippy-floppies to the bathroom, as a man, you are guaranteed to be dancing around to avoid any splash. 100% guaranteed. It'll look like the wild west, trying to avoid any splatters.
And so that's it. I was thinking about this when I was at work and noticed the lack of sound-proofing as my co-worker took care of their business. My greatest solace is knowing that anyone reading this may now develop the same pee-pee paranoia that I have.
Oh, and on a completely unrelated note, I had five views from Romania this week. Buna ziua Romania!
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