Trees Slut-Shame Flowers

Finally!! I know, I know. It has been TOO DAMN LONG (!!!) since my last post. I got busy. It happens. I have a job, two companies, a Master's class, and just started Krav Maga. If shit sounds busy, it's because it is. But you know what? Fuck it. Time to write, bitches. It should be noted, by the way, that I am officially certified as a personal trainer. That's right, I took a test and can now charge a shit tonne ($25/hour) of money for helping people. Or, you can give me food. I eat a lot. So direct message or comment if you want to change your life!! I train everybody, and I have been told that I actually know what I'm doing. On a semi-related note, I deadlifted 470 pounds. So fuck you, I'm strong. Maybe. But I digress.

So what can I write on?! Where do I start?! Well I will start with the seasons. Fall is in the air!! That's right, the seasons are changing. They actually started to change a week ago. How do I know? Because we had that one cold morning. I went outside to go to work, and the sun was still down and there was a nip in the air. It got hot as shit later, but it was still the first change. And with that first change, I became very aware of the trees.

Have you ever noticed that, before autumn sets in fully, there are those two or three trees that start to turn? One gust of wind and they lose all of their leaves. I feel like, if autumn is a party, they are the ones that get there and get drunk way to quickly. You know the ones. The party starts at 8 PM, and by 8:30 PM, they are dancing on the table - swinging their shirts over their heads, saying, "WOOOO!!! I AM GROOT!!!! WOOO!!!!". By 9 PM, when everyone else starts to get drunk, those people are passed out, naked on the couch. They have their shoes on, of course, so they also have shit written all over their face. Shame and embarrassment from being the only naked trees in the crowd.

These are not to be confused with the trees that are the first to sprout leaves in the spring. Those are the ones that show up to the party early, and leave early. If the party starts at 8 PM, they are there at 7:55 PM. By the time everyone arrives and gets loose at 9 PM, those trees are saying, "Whelp, time for us to get home and get to sleep. We have a busy day tomorrow." And they just fucking leave. 

I told this idea to my wife, and we start discussing how plants would interact with each other. I suggested that they would judge each other. She replied that she doesn't think trees would talk or judge each other, but they would judge flowers. Flowers would be talking, "Fuck you, tree. You may be big, but we're pretty!!" Tree's would calmly reply, "Sluts."

Moral of the Story: Trees slut-shame flowers and flowers talk shit about trees. Oh, and autumn is in the air. On a side note, a Google Images search for "Tree slut shaming flower" did not yield any of the images I was hoping for. I don't know why I thought it would, but it didn't. So now you're stuck with a tree pollinating. Suck it.