Hello! This is where I'm posting my thoughts and experiences about things....all the things. I will be sharing the random thoughts that pop into my head. Some are deep, some are dumb. It's up to others to figure out which is which.
That's right, motherfuckers!! It's THURSDAY!!! And like I promised, I have a new Baby Daddy story for you all! But before I dig into that, I want it to be noted that I trained in Krav Maga last night. I ended up with a bloody nose. Turns out, if you aggressively spar with someone who has more experience, you are likely to get a forearm to the face. Moral of the story: I didn't die.
On a separate note, today is Thursday and I love it. Tomorrow is Friday, which means I get to drink all the coffee!! Also, tonight, my wife and I are going zombie hunting. Evidently there is this thing where we get paintball guns, sit in a trailer, and shoot the shit out of some zombies. I'm investing $10 in an additional canister of paintballs, because it will be worth it. And for those of you saying, "Is that safe for your preggers wife?" You bet your ass it is! One, she won't get shot. Two, we are not running around. Three, she's probably the meanest person on the team. G-d save the poor soul that crosses her in a zombie apocalypse. On a side note, in undergrad, my school had Humans vs Zombies. For one week, there would be designated "zombies". Humans who played could shoot them with Nerf guns, and it was great. I was part of an elite team, Team Apocalypto. It was two mechanical engineers, one of which was in the army, and myself. The three of us created the most innovative Nerf weapons, including a blow-dart gun. By the end of the week, we would host the "Apocalypto Challenge". This would be the final showdown, where we fought to the death. It would always take more than an hour for the horde to stop us. Moral of Story: I'm excited to shoot some fucking zombies.
But back to being a Baby Daddy. I would like it to be noted that my kid is an asshole. That's right, I said it. He may even be a dick. Why do I say that? Because that son-of-a-saint is active as shit until I get home. And yes, I did alter what I was going to say. Why? Because you call your son a sumbitch, and see how your wife reacts. I'm not dumb. At least not that dumb. But I digress. With my wife entering into the back-half of her pregnancy, our little fart-ball (thanks, father-in-law) has started moving. The problem is, when I try to feel the child move, the little asshole stops. I was driving home from work the other day, and my wife was telling me about how the kid was hyper-active. Evidently my wife was playing music and the kid was full of energy.
On a side note, my wife said the kid was most active when Bieber came on the radio. This means one of two things. One, our son hates Bieber and has great taste in music. Two, our son loves Bieber, and we have already failed as parents. If it is the latter, I suppose we can always get rid of the kid and try again. But I digress...
So I'm driving home, and hearing about how active my child is, and I just think, "This is the day. I get to feel my son move." I pull up, into the drive way, and that asshole stopped moving. Entirely. I mean, seriously. What the shit, kid? Does he know he wouldn't exist without me? He wouldn't be a boy if it weren't for me. I will be sitting on the couch, working, and my wife will say that the baby is moving. As soon as I open my mouth, or move to feel, that asshole stops. No movement. Nothing. Talk about a whiny little brat. It's like he's moving to say, "Hey....Hey.....Hey!" and as soon as I turn to talk to him, "Nope. Fuck you." What a dick.
My wife keeps trying to put a positive spin on it, saying that the baby is unhappy and that feeling my presence calms him down. While this is sweet, there is a problem with the logic. I know this kids father. His father is an asshole. And yes, I am talking about myself, in case I have someone reading this that is not familiar with my work. It's called humor. Read my other posts and catch yourself up. Once you do, you will understand why I say my kid is acting like his father. And if I were my son, I'd be laughing my ass off. That's okay though. I still slept with his mom. IN YOUR FACE KID!!! Hahahahahahahahahahaha man my wife is going to hate me for that one...
Moral of the Story: My kid is an asshole and I couldn't be prouder. And yes, this post had three stories.
FFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!!!!! Sorry, I had to get that off my chest. So I've realized that I am getting old. How do I know this? Because of my love for Thursdays. Why do I love Thursday? Because of coffee. When I was in college, I loved "Thirsty Thursday". For those unfamiliar, Thirsty Thursday is the idea that you get schwasty-facedd on Thursday night, because Friday classes are something of a joke. Actually, they weren't a joke. But fuck you, it was college. Now, I look forward to Thursday because it means that I can drink more coffee on Friday. That's right. I have gone from wanting to get shit-faced on Thursday, to wanting an extra cup of coffee on Friday. What am I doing with my life?! That answer is that I am kicking ass at it.
Why does this constitute a Baby Daddy story? Jacques came to hang out with my wife and I this past weekend. While it was a fun time, I realized that there are certain aspects of pregnancy that I have become numb to. Case and Point: The Shining. I know I am a late bloomer, but I saw The Shining for the first time on Saturday. For those who don't know (Spoiler Alert!), Jack Nicholson is in it, gets stressed to shit, and tries to kill his family.
After the movie, my wife turned to me and asked about stress. She commented that when she has stress, or is upset, she will talk to me, talk to her mother, and have a good cry. She then asked what I do for stress. My wife's concern was that she never sees me stressed out or angry, and without a proper release I might go Jack Nicholson on her and our future kid(s). I explained to her that it is hard to be stressed or angry when I am either picking up heavy-ass weight or training Krav Maga. On a side note, I now deadlift 315 lbs for my warm-up. Yes, I am bragging. No, I don't have cause to. It wasn't until I shared this story with my folks that they highlighted the absurdity of my wife worrying that I would become a homicidal maniac.
And so that's it. This is a short story. I know, I know. You feel incomplete. To be fair, I thought it would take longer to explain my love of coffee. I also thought i would have more to tell about Jacques's visit, and The Shining. And to be fair, I need to leave you with a cliffhanger for Baby Daddy 11. And unlike Friday the 13th, Halloween, Rocky, or any of the other movie that has a stupid number of repetitive sequels, this one will be about my experience as a Baby Daddy.
Oh, and here is a random video for you. Because Pandas.
So I was trying to figure out what I would write, and I finally settled on another Baby Daddy story. Why? Because my wife and I had an ultrasound this week. Well she had it. I just watched. And this week we learned that our child is indeed a boy. That's right, my boy was chillin' in the womb, with a clearly visible penis. As a father, my first thought was, "Look at that dick! You see that? That's my boy!" Not gonna lie, it's a little weird being proud of my sons penis. But I am. I know that my family name will live on. My wife was gushing over the ultrasound. She has shown everyone the photos. Interestingly enough, she and her female friends/family are immediately infatuated by our boy's "little tip". You'd have thought is a was an object of scientific wonder. Like the origin of life, the presence of aliens, or how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop. My mother-in-law even commented that, compared to the rest of the body, my son looks to be well-endowed. So that is why I embarked on another Baby Daddy story.
In other news, China is absolutely ridiculous. And by China, I mean my in-laws. My father-in-law, who was thinking about calling our son "Little Tiger" or "Fart Testicle", is now looking at a different name. He was talking to my mother-in-law, and asked if our boy should be called "Little Jaguar". Why? Because he thought jaguars were indigenous to America. That's right. My father-in-law, who had so much trouble with my being an American white boy, is looking to modify our child's nickname to be more accepting of American ancestry. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate it. It just seems random as fuck. My wife is completely against it. Why? Because calling someone "Jaguar" sounds a bit thuggish to her. And to be fair, it does sound a bit ghetto. And to be fair, I think it's absolutely awesome. Kid walks down the street, someone yells, "What up, Jag!!". Our son waves. That's it. That's the end of the hypothetical story. I think it's cool.
In other news, my wife's cousin-sister is earning a Master's in England. Why does this matter? Because she has finally found a man! Good for her, right? Wrong! She found a white guy! What's worse? He's old! He is more than 30 years older than her. Gross, right?! I mean damn. This guy may actually be older than her own father. Talk about fucked up daddy issues, right?! My wife first told me that and my first comment was, "Gross! His testicles are going to be hanging near his knees! He'll be able to play hacky-sack with his ball-ball." My wife did not appreciate the imagery. I'm guessing you don't either. Ha! Can't get it out of your mind, can you?! And that's why I'm going to hell. That's a lie. But that is why my wife says I am an asshole.
The whole situation is fantastic, though. Evidently my wife told her cousin-sister how great it was to date/marry white people. She did not do this, however, because she believed it. She told her cousin-sister this because she expected the cousin-sister to tell her aunt. Her aunt would tell my wife's parents, and that would help ease their stress over her marrying me. The only problem is that she is now dating some old, white guy. On a side note, my wife thinks that part of this is because the cousin-sister is nearing her thirties. Chinese people are fucked up, and assume that a woman is too old to marry when they turn 30. Because China. And because Communism.
Anyway, my wife started discussing this situation to her mother, my mother-in-law, who was not happy. I mean, shit was she pissed. It turns out that a huge age discrepancy is considered to be a terrible issue for Chinese. In fact, this was described as a tremendous hole, of which nobody can climb out. My mother-in-law said there were several holes that cannot be overcome. Age is one....terminal diseases are another........oh, and being black........oh yes, and being terribly ugly or misshapen.
Take a moment to let that sink in...
That's right. While it is bad to be white, Chinese people cannot tolerate dating someone who is old, dying, ugly, and/or black. Because racism. I, on the other hand, am endorsing this relationship. Why? because imagine how great the family reunions would be! Yes, I would be hated as an American, but I would not be the most hated. They would say, "Well at least he isn't as old as her parents." or "At least he isn't old as fuck. (relatively)" or "At least he's a Jew and can give her access to the secret society." This guy, however, would be hated. And what's better? I would have someone to talk to! With all my effort, I don't know shit in Chinese. At least with this guy, I could talk about something in English. Even better, he's a Brit! I could talk shit about how the US won the revolution! I could ask if he wants a spot o' tea. And when he says, "yes", I can tell him to get it from Boston Harbor. Because 'merica!
And so that's it. My father-in-law hates that I am American, but wants to call my son "Jaguar" to celebrate his American heritage. My cousin-sister in-law is dating an old guy because she thinks she is too old for people her own age. And my mother-in-law evidently thinks that ugly, old, dying, black people should never date.
Moral of the Story: Jaguar has a crazy ass family and I have hope of not being the most hated person to marry into it. Oh, I forgot. My wife's aunt (cousin-sister's mother) would vote for Trump because he's honest about being shitty, and because fuck it. She's not American, so it doesn't impact her.
