Baby Daddy 10: What the Shit, China?

So I was trying to figure out what I would write, and I finally settled on another Baby Daddy story. Why? Because my wife and I had an ultrasound this week. Well she had it. I just watched. And this week we learned that our child is indeed a boy. That's right, my boy was chillin' in the womb, with a clearly visible penis. As a father, my first thought was, "Look at that dick! You see that? That's my boy!" Not gonna lie, it's a little weird being proud of my sons penis. But I am. I know that my family name will live on. My wife was gushing over the ultrasound. She has shown everyone the photos. Interestingly enough, she and her female friends/family are immediately infatuated by our boy's "little tip". You'd have thought is a was an object of scientific wonder. Like the origin of life, the presence of aliens, or how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop. My mother-in-law even commented that, compared to the rest of the body, my son looks to be well-endowed. So that is why I embarked on another Baby Daddy story.

In other news, China is absolutely ridiculous. And by China, I mean my in-laws. My father-in-law, who was thinking about calling our son "Little Tiger" or "Fart Testicle", is now looking at a different name. He was talking to my mother-in-law, and asked if our boy should be called "Little Jaguar". Why? Because he thought jaguars were indigenous to America. That's right. My father-in-law, who had so much trouble with my being an American white boy, is looking to modify our child's nickname to be more accepting of American ancestry. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate it. It just seems random as fuck. My wife is completely against it. Why? Because calling someone "Jaguar" sounds a bit thuggish to her. And to be fair, it does sound a bit ghetto. And to be fair, I think it's absolutely awesome. Kid walks down the street, someone yells, "What up, Jag!!". Our son waves. That's it. That's the end of the hypothetical story. I think it's cool.

In other news, my wife's cousin-sister is earning a Master's in England. Why does this matter? Because she has finally found a man! Good for her, right? Wrong! She found a white guy! What's worse? He's old! He is more than 30 years older than her. Gross, right?! I mean damn. This guy may actually be older than her own father. Talk about fucked up daddy issues, right?! My wife first told me that and my first comment was, "Gross! His testicles are going to be hanging near his knees! He'll be able to play hacky-sack with his ball-ball." My wife did not appreciate the imagery. I'm guessing you don't either. Ha! Can't get it out of your mind, can you?! And that's why I'm going to hell. That's a lie. But that is why my wife says I am an asshole.

The whole situation is fantastic, though. Evidently my wife told her cousin-sister how great it was to date/marry white people. She did not do this, however, because she believed it. She told her cousin-sister this because she expected the cousin-sister to tell her aunt. Her aunt would tell my wife's parents, and that would help ease their stress over her marrying me. The only problem is that she is now dating some old, white guy. On a side note, my wife thinks that part of this is because the cousin-sister is nearing her thirties. Chinese people are fucked up, and assume that a woman is too old to marry when they turn 30. Because China. And because Communism.

Anyway, my wife started discussing this situation to her mother, my mother-in-law, who was not happy. I mean, shit was she pissed. It turns out that a huge age discrepancy is considered to be a terrible issue for Chinese. In fact, this was described as a tremendous hole, of which nobody can climb out. My mother-in-law said there were several holes that cannot be overcome. Age is one....terminal diseases are another........oh, and being black........oh yes, and being terribly ugly or misshapen.

Take a moment to let that sink in...


That's right. While it is bad to be white, Chinese people cannot tolerate dating someone who is old, dying, ugly, and/or black. Because racism. I, on the other hand, am endorsing this relationship. Why? because imagine how great the family reunions would be! Yes, I would be hated as an American, but I would not be the most hated. They would say, "Well at least he isn't as old as her parents." or "At least he isn't old as fuck. (relatively)" or "At least he's a Jew and can give her access to the secret society." This guy, however, would be hated. And what's better? I would have someone to talk to! With all my effort, I don't know shit in Chinese. At least with this guy, I could talk about something in English. Even better, he's a Brit! I could talk shit about how the US won the revolution! I could ask if he wants a spot o' tea. And when he says, "yes", I can tell him to get it from Boston Harbor. Because 'merica!

And so that's it. My father-in-law hates that I am American, but wants to call my son "Jaguar" to celebrate his American heritage. My cousin-sister in-law is dating an old guy because she thinks she is too old for people her own age. And my mother-in-law evidently thinks that ugly, old, dying, black people should never date.

Moral of the Story: Jaguar has a crazy ass family and I have hope of not being the most hated person to marry into it. Oh, I forgot. My wife's aunt (cousin-sister's mother) would vote for Trump because he's honest about being shitty, and because fuck it. She's not American, so it doesn't impact her.