Baby Daddy 14: ZZ Top, and Chinese Abortion Commercials

My kid is such a fucking bad-ass. The kid isn't even born yet, and he has seen ZZ Top. How sweet is that? For those wondering, yes. ZZ Top is a great concert. It is exactly what you would expect it to be. They came out, played their songs, and left. They talked a total of twice. I just hope the great musicians live long enough for my kids to see them all.

Now I know what some of you are wondering. "What's with the title?" Well, I'll tell you. The other night, my wife and I were laying in bed, trying to sleep. Now I don't know why, but she started discussing Chinese commercials in her hometown. As it turns out, China does not allow for condom commercials. Why would a country that has issues with overpopulation not show birth control commercials? Because they think it would advocate for young people to start having the sex.

Now, I can understand that to a certain degree (not really), but then my wife told me this other tidbit of information. China has a shit-tonne of abortion commercials. That's right. They have a commercial where the voice-over person say, "What did you do in the last five minutes?" Then one person says, "I ate some lunch." Another says, "I checked my social media." Then a third says, "I had an abortion!" Another commercial shows a teenage girl saying that she is a week late in her cycle. Some forest creature (a butterfly?) comes to tell the girl that it means she's going to have a baby. The girl then says, "I don't want one of those..." Cue voice-over guy, saying that now she doesn't need to have one!

Not only that, but evidently there are different flavors of abortion in China? My wife was talking about how they advertise for "The Dream" abortion. They also have the "Zero Pain" abortion, the "Zero Scar" abortion, the "Mild Discomfort" abortion, and one or two others. Now, the fact that these are not all lumped together makes me curious. Who goes in and says, "Yes I'll take the 'Dream' abortion. I don't care if it hurts or not, I just want to get see a unicorn while I sleep." And who would not want the "Zero Pain" abortion? It seems like they're saying, "Hey, if you have money, you can have a great experience. If not, then it's going to hurt and you are going to be scarred to shit."

My wife was then talking about how they have designer abortions. Can you imagine a fashion designer coming in? "Okay, lets take a look. Well based on the shape of your lady-parts, and the fact that you're a goddamn skeleton from not eating (good job, by the way), I think you need a Size 2 abortion. Don't worry, all the stars are getting them." The funny (sad) part is that the Chinese woman would probably hear "Size 2" and add another eating disorder. Because China. And because fucked up body image standards.

Now I know what you are wondering. Why the shit is this a Baby Daddy story? Well if you weren't paying attention, I started by discussing how kick-ass my son is. And then I was sharing a story that is pseudo-related to my son, in that we did not opt for a designer abortion (or any other, for that matter). And so there you have it.

Moral of the Story: My son is a bad-ass and China has the Baskin Robbins of Abortions (31 flavors). And now I want ice cream. That's a lie. I never want ice cream again. You're welcome.

What the Shit, America?

Ah yes, the week is new. As many (all) of you know, the US elected Trump to be the new president. It should be noted that I stayed awake until 1 AM to see who would be elected. That resulted in a whopping four (4) hours of sleep. Little known fact, I talk and think like I am drunk when I get less than five hours of sleep. I slurr my words, I don't pick up on humor, and it takes me a half-second longer to hear/comprehend/respond to anything anyone says. I was talking to my assistant (yeah, I got an assistant. Didn't know I had a real job, doing real shit, did you? That's right. Suck it.), and I was describing this situation. I then started to wonder, is this what other people feel like?

At the risk of sounding like the asshole that I am, I like to think that I have a fairly sharp whit. I like to make snarky, asinine little quips that have a string of intelligence and a string of  absurdity. Typically they are offensive, but I say it like it is and I call people out on their bullshit (myself included). Anyways, I was thinking a lot about last week.

Last week, in the days after the election, it felt like America was on the unfortunate end of a one-night stand. You know what I mean. It was like, on Election Day, we as a country decided to get schwasty-facedd, and selected a candidate. And much like a one-night stand, we woke up in the morning thinking, "What the fuck did we just do?" And sure enough, we looked over, and there was Trump in our bed. And suddenly we realized that we made a terrible mistake. Everyone who had their beer goggles (or crack-shades) on, suddenly saw the nasty side of the Trump movement (hello Alt. Right aka KKK aka Neo-Nazi party). And suddenly society didn't know what to do. Trump was still sleeping next to us, in all of his orange glory. And suddenly the question is, what's next? Do you stay and fix breakfast - maybe some eggs, or pancakes - and see if it is not that bad? Or at least pray for a fast breakfast? Or do you sneak your hung-over ass out the door, trying to keep your louder-than-normal belt from waking him up, on your way to a friend's place (Canada, eh!)?

We are nearly one week past the election, and there have been some interesting events. Trump has given several interviews, indicating that he may be far more neutral on the political spectrum than people anticipated. Voters are realizing that, in an effort to get big business out of office, they elected a big business owner. And most troubling, the Alt Right (read: KKK, Neo-Nazi, other hate groups) have been empowered. The saddest part about Trump's election is not Trump, himself, but those that he inspired. I have seen and heard of more and more hate crimes in America. More in the liberal towns, and more in the conservative towns. I fear for my friends, who span every race, religion, gender, orientation, etc. At the same time, I pray that this will have a positive influence in the US. Hopefully those snakes that have haunted the bushes will reveal themselves. Hopefully those monsters, hidden in the dark, will have the light shed upon them. And hopefully, those ignorant to the struggles of American minorities will be made aware of the plight.

I know I started this post off humorously, and I wish I could end it the same way. Unfortunately, I find the situation troubling. And so I will leave this message to anyone reading in the US, and for those abroad. To anyone experiencing hate, know that you are not alone. For those who are afraid, know that you are not alone. For those that need someone to talk to, know that I will provide an ear to listen and a shoulder for tears. And for those that would see hate and fear done unto others, know that you will not succeed.

This is an interesting situation for America. Hopefully we will overcome these dark days, and learn just how great America truly is.

And if not, we can always vote Kanye West for president in 2020.

Because, fuck it.

Baby Daddy 13: Soup Tasters

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry, had to get that off my chest. And no, I'm not sorry. On a side note, I do need to get something off my chest. If you don't know, then you should know, that when I say "Fuck you", I don't actually mean "fuck you". I mean, I do....but not in the fucked up, personal way. And if anyone has read my profile, I have given a disclaimer that I will likely say something fucked up. It will likely be with the intention of humor, or potentially a dry satire. In some cases, it may be a fucked up, satirical humor. BUT!! I say this to make sure that everyone is clear. If I have a real problem with someone, or something, I will make it clear. I will straight up cut a bitch. That's a lie. Well not the "make it clear" part, but the "cut a bitch" part. Unless that bitch is chicken. I will cut and eat chicken like it is going out of season. But I digress....

And now I get to the heart of the story....

It should be noted that my wife was talking to my in-laws, recently. Now I need say that I realize all families are crazy. It doesn't matter who it is, there is always someone nuts as shit in the family. Typically, it will be a direct line. Parents, Grandparents, Great Grandparents, and Shitty Grandparents. Well I have discovered that, while my folks are a bit nuts, my wife's parents are too.

My father-in-law is old-school Chinese. If you have ever seen a movie about Ancient China, he would have been one of the generals. You know the one. He'd be sitting in the big ass hall, with nothing around him except a mirror. Why a mirror? So he could see the person wanting to stab him in the back. The man is hardcore. If you haven't heard of Cao-Cao (Ruler of the Wei Kingdom), look him up. That is how my father-in-law is.

With that said, he has changed considerable for the sake of our son, his grandson. Now, instead of worrying of my wife's job, education, etc, my father-in-law tells her to eat, rest, and take care of the baby. Bear in mind that the baby is not yet born. And why is that important to note? Because the man has grow paranoid. My wife and I have several friends that are single, dating, married, etc, without children. And we hang out with these friends because we are not assholes. Or if we are, they are too. And after all, who doesn't like a party full of assholes? That sounds like the basis of a terrible movie or TV show. But I digress...

Because we have so many friends without children, my father-in-law is worried that they will grow jealous that my wife is having his grandson. As a result, he has told my wife to never take the first sip of soup. Yes, that's right. My father-in-law is so suspicious of other people, that he believes our friends may try to secretly poison my wife and kill our child. He literally told her to watch everyone else, and make sure they each drink the soup and survive, and that her bowl is poured from the same pot as everyone else, before she takes a sip.

Now if he had said it once, I would have thought it was a humorous little word of caution. I would be wrong. He has repeated this to my wife several times. My father-in-law legitimately wants my wife to have a soup taster. For those unfamiliar, a soup taster is the person that royalty would hire to taste the food. If the taster didn't die, then the food was not poisoned and the royalty would consume it. That's one of those jobs that you really want to have, unless you work for an asshole king. In those cases, you are better off faking the bite and hoping the dick dies.

Moral of the Story: My father-in-law is super paranoid over our child's health, and I have started eating the first bite of all my wife's food. Except for seafood and pork. Because Kosher. Also, it is very hard to find adequate pictures today.

Hell in America (Election Day)

IT'S ELECTION DAY!!!!!

It should be noted that the state in which I live is burning. Not with conviction, not with passion, but literally burning. Evidently people in the SE United States do not understand the idea of a goddamn burn ban. Our driest year in almost a decade, and some motherfucker decided to set a goddamn fire. In Colorado, when there was a fire, it was usually due to a random-ass lightening strike. Considering we haven't had rain at all, I'm going to blame some hick-ass dipshit, who flicked a fucking cigarette out the window. That selfish motherfucker couldn't keep his/her cancerous candy-cane to themselves, and now the entire fucking place looks like a shitty fog bank.

Yesterday I was driving to Krav Maga, and all I could smell was smoke. As I was driving, the lights form the cars was reflecting in the haze of the smoke. There was a nice orange hue to it, which made me think of every apocalypse scenario I have ever seen in a movie or video game. I then realized the the election was coming, and that it was ironic. The nation is about to fucking riot, and the earth is already burning. The sweet-orange shit storm that is coming with tonight's election will be a glorious insight into everything wrong with America.

In fact, I want to discuss the highlights of this political year. We had a judge die. While social rights likely advanced 50 years with his passing, political bullshit regressed more. Congress is a big ass baby and refuses to let anyone be appointed. Because fuck the Constitution. We have elections with two major parties. The Democrats have Clinton. Nobody likes her because she comes across as being too well constructed. The conservatives don't like her because they keep worrying about her goddamn emails and her management of Benghazi. I will not speak on Benghazi because I am not informed. Unless I have all the intel that Clinton did/does, I cannot say anything about it. As far as the emails, the FBI elected to pursue charges on Clinton, in the last week before the election. One week later, they say, "Oops." What the actual fuck? How the shit do you pull the trigger on an investigation and/or indictment, without having read up on anything? Oh yeah, politics. I forgot to mention, Clinton and her campaign staff actually rigged the mother fucking primary elections. Whether Clinton knew about it or not, her campaign staff fucked over Sanders, who could have otherwise won.

(I couldn't find a meme that made me chuckle, so here's a random one)

Then you have Trump. If you look at his followers, they all have one issue they care about. Some like him because he will support Israel. It's true, Trump may be a better friend to Israel. It seems to me that if you are voting because your primary concern is Israel, you may want to look at moving to Israel. Being in America, my concern is for America. And before the Jews turn on me, no. I am not anti-Israel. I support the shit out of Israel. But I will not let my vote be swayed by the implications for a country that is not my own. Israel knows how to handle its business. Yes, America needs  to support Israel. For better and for worse, the two are bonded.

Others support Trump because he speaks against immigration and Muslims. I would rather find a better solution than "build a wall". I don't think we should demonize all of Islam. And for every motherfucker who says, "How do you know who the good one's are?", fuck you. How do you know who the bad one's are? Living in the area I do, everyone seems to expect that I would have tremendous issues with the Muslims. I am Jewish, after all. Imagine their shock when I tell them that I have had more people hate and discriminate against me in the name of Jesus, than I ever have in the name of Allah. Turns out that an asshole is an asshole, regardless of their faith.

My issue with Trump is everything that he has said. I mean that quite literally. Every supporter seems to explain this comment, and that comment. Everyone says, "Well he really meant....." You know what, fuck that. Anyone can explain away a singular comment. The problem is that Trump has a fuck-tonne of bad comments. I mean holy shit does that fucker not know how to shut his mouth. Between his hateful rhetoric towards Muslims, immigrants, and women, he just comes across like a shitty human being.

And so what do you do? One candidate seems too well composed, fake, and was connected to a rigged primary. The other candidate is a mother-fucking reality show star, who has great business sense and sucks at balancing a goddamn checkbook. Oh, and he can't keep his fucking mouth shut. At that point, you have to vote independent. And based on campaigns, I would have to say that Gary Johnson has a fucking great campaign approach. If he had been in on it from the beginning, I think he could have gotten in on the debates.

Now I will say that I did not vote for a candidate. I voted for a platform. I voted for the platform that best aligned with my ideals. I did not vote for Trump. I am happy to say that. If I lose a reader because of that, then good. You can go fuck-off. Even if I were to believe that it is impossible to go the way of Nazi Germany, I wouldn't trust it. Germany got fucked by Hitler, and only now seems to be recovering. If America is already struggling, we don't need Adolf Trump.

Now I will say that I still believe America is the greatest country on earth. We have our problems, but we have the structure to continue being the best. I actually think the bulk of our issues would go away with Congress. If those lazy-ass, hop-scotch dicks would stop fucking around, then we wouldn't have half the problems we do. When they are already promising to block Clinton at every fucking chance they have, we need a new Congress. I mean seriously. Check and balances were not designed to completely halt a country. That's what they have done for eight years, and look where it fucking got them. Fuck congress.

Moral of the Story: It's election day, my throat is burning from the fires in our area, and politics makes me angry. Go out an vote. Even if you do vote for Trump, I won't hold it against you. Unless you tell me, in which case I may hold it against you. Same goes for any candidate. And congress. Fuck congress.

Go vote.