Avocado Bullshit

Alright. It has been a long time since I have had the will to take up the good fight for something. Why? Because I am a new father and I am too tired to give two fucks about much of anything. With that said, my fire has been sparked, and I am ready for war. And on what? Goddamn avocados.

It should be noted that my wife and I bought avocados a week or so ago. Because they were fresh, they were still hard as a rock. Insert penis joke....here. There you go, that's all you get. On with the war. Because they are fresh and far from ripe, we thought we would get a couple that were ready to eat. As a result, we went to Publix. That's a lie. We went to Publix to buy some groceries, and I happened to think about getting the avocados.

So we're walking around, and a guy asks if he can help, and I say that we want the avocados. He points out this new type of avocado, and says that they are both ripe and most people like them more than the originals. Now let me tell you something. DO NOT BUY THOSE BULLSHIT AMATEUR AVOCADOS!

First, those motherfuckers look like gourds. They are called "Tall Avocados" and are from California, and boast to be a fraction of the fats and a fraction of the calories. What they are, is bullshit. They don't taste like avocados, they don't have the same consistency, and the whole point of the avocado is that it FUCKING HAS FATS! Literally, they are a superfood because they have a fuck-tonne of nutrients and the healthy-ass fats to transport those nutrients into the body. But goddamn California had to fuck around with their Hollywood diet bullshit, modify the fuck out of the species, and come out with some bullshit. It distinctly has no taste, and squishy texture, and less nutritious benefit.

California needs to get the fuck off their bullshit, and start making avocados the way they were meant to be made: from Mexico, with whatever GMO-hormone-steroid-cocaine treatments that the Mexicans used to make them delicious. I had to throw away guacamole. Do you have any idea how sinful that is? That shit turned black before I even finished mixing it! And guacamole should not turn that black! Holy goddamn was it gross! I added salt to try to fix it, and it tasted like salt! But not just salt, like a butter textured salt. Do you know how I describe the taste? Like bullshit. California bullshit.

Avocados should not look like gourds, and they should not taste androgynous. They should look like a fucked up Deadpool , take 5 goddamn weeks to ripen, be ripe for 5 minutes, and then be spoiled by the time I mix my guacamole. That is the sole purpose for guacamole, in the first place. To take a good avocado, mix it with an over ripe avocado, and make it edible. Not to take some flavorless bullshit gourd plant and make it taste like a slightly less flavorless gourd plant! Whoever told that Publix guy that these "tall" motherfuckers tasted better than real avocados is wrong and should feel bad. As should the state of California for trying to export those types of lies and broken dreams.

Moral of the Story: I want some normal-ass avocados so that I can fix them with lime, peppers, salt, and tequila, as G-d intended. Also, fuck those tall-gourd-fake-ass avocados and fuck their couch.

Fight or Flight (Unfuck Your Head)

I want to discuss the concept of "the grind". You all know what that is. It is the part of life that you get up, and you do, because goddamn it, it has to get done. I also want to discuss the power of the mind. Why? Because fuck you, that's why. What do you think makes the grind easy or hard?

I believe that, fundamentally, our grind comes from the "Fight or Flight" response. We are programmed to see something as strenuous, and decide if we are going to run or attack. In some cases, there is paralysis. This is when you throw your hands in the air, ask Jesus to take the wheel, and pray that he knows how to drive. The answer is that he doesn't. Why? Because fucking Jesus is hiding in the back of the goddamn truck, praying to make it into the U.S., and not get deported because of some bullshit new immigration policy. And yes, I am calling out Trump and the GOP. And no, I am not saying Jesus is illegal. On a side note, for those that thought I mean Jesus Christ, do you really think he's the best one to be driving? I mean, cars didn't exist in his time. Even if you assume Jesus Christ is your lord and savior, he would still need a goddamn driver's license. Otherwise his ass is getting arrested along with yours. And let's be honest, the car swerving from your letting go is going to instantly nab a drunk driving test. Do you want Jesus to take that test? His blood is goddamn wine. His BAC would read "Yes". Fuck you. On with the show.

So assuming that you are going to at least take some sort of action, the question is whether you want to fight, or flee. Most people flee.

"That's hard."

"I can't do that."

"That doesn't feel good."

"I'm sweaty."

These are the four most comment excuses I hear, when people talk about what they cannot do. And as a result, they quit. They say, "Fuck it." and go. This is the case in training, and this is the case in work. People decide that they would rather work in a dead-end job, shuffling papers, making inadequate wages, because it's a fuck-tonne easier than applying themselves and advancing. Or leaving the job and pursuing their actual dreams. Fuck that. We're going to be better. Why? Because we are going to tell that negative voice in our heads to zip it.

Little known fact: Jon "Bones" Jones was called one day, and told he had a chance to fight for the UFC championship title. The catch? He only had 6-weeks to prepare. Keep in mind that most fighters will take several months to prepare for a championship fight. Jon Jones accepted the fight, however, and walked away as the new champ. When asked about it, Jones said that a champion is always ready to fight, even if they are not yet the champion. Rather than put out to the universe that he was not ready for the fight, and thus was not ready to be champion, Jones kicked ass and won. In that same interview, he said that his success comes from "being comfortable with being uncomfortable".

That's what I have started trying to convey to the people I train, and to the people I come in contact with. I can tell you now, I am just as guilty. I have a project at work that I have been avoiding for weeks, now. Our education company is taking off, but I have slacked on driving it forward. My engineering company was stagnant for a long time, though I am now pushing that one more. And I am progressing as a trainer, though my own training has suffered. And why? Because I have a newborn and no longer sleep. And you know what? That's still not an excuse. It is, but it isn't.

SO now the question is, why are you not where you want to be? We can look at it from a physical standpoint (I do love training people), or professional standpoint. Is it that you have truly been hindered in everything, or is it that you have not taken the steps to succeed? To be fair, some circumstances cannot be surmounted. I know several people, myself included, that have gotten screwed. Ironically, they were all screwed in the PhD program. It happens. Sometimes there are powers that you cannot control. If that's the case, and you do get fucked, what do you do? Do you sit there and mope? Maybe. I did. Not for long, because I had to find a job to cover the bills, but I moped.

Even now, I am at war with my psychology. I am so goddamn tired, but so incredibly excited about all of my projects, and I don't have a damn clue how to balance them. Especially not while still being a decent husband and father. Notice that I said decent. I mean, don't get me wrong, I want to be great as both a husband and father. At the same time, I know something is slipping. And maybe it's my mind, but I am certain I can be doing more to support my wife and this kid. Not financially, of course. I'm broke as fuck. But, you know, with morale. Even so, I'mma keep fighting to keep it all in check.

And so that's it. The funny part is that I started this last week, and am finishing it now, and I managed to sleep between now and then. The other funny part is that nothing has changed, except that I have slept. And so with that, I'mma call this post done.

Moral of the Story: We need to unfuck our heads and get aggressive toward making our dreams into goals, and our goals into reality. Also, I do not trust Jesus behind the wheel.

Baby Daddy 35: Ariana Grande

Yes, it has taken me a while to post. Fuck you, I'm tired. Why does that matter? Because I can never remember what the shit I want to talk about. With that said, I do want to talk about my son and Ariana Grande. No, my son doesn't listen to Ariana Grande. With that said, I had an epiphany last week, around 2:34 AM, as I was trying to get my son to sleep. You see, he was having a terribly fussy day and night. We think he has been having a growth spurt. And as a result, he was only happy when he was being rocked or otherwise moving. That is when I realized that her song, "Side to Side" is about having a child. Let me show you. I'll put the lyrics, and then put the meaning in red.

I've been here all night (Ariana)
(This child is fussy and I haven't slept, yet)
I've been here all day (Nicki Minaj)
(It's 2:34 AM and I seriously haven't slept since yesterday.)
And boy, got me walkin' side to side
(That seems to be the only way to get my son to quit his bitchin')
(Let them hoes know)
(This is what you have to look forward to, if you don't use protection)

I'm talkin' to ya

(Listen, child)

See you standing over there with your body

(You are drooling and have hiccups)

Feeling like I wanna rock with your body

(It is literally the only thing I have the energy to do)

And we don't gotta think 'bout nothin' ('Bout nothin')

(Please dear G-d, nobody make a sound)

I'm comin' at ya

(I just picked you up, and you are heavy)

'Cause I know you got a bad reputation

(For being fussy, and spitting your pacifier on the floor)

Doesn't matter, 'cause you give me temptation

(To choke my child)

And we don't gotta think 'bout nothin' ('Bout nothin')

(I'm too tired to think...or use words.)

These friends keep talkin' way too much

(About how they're all happy and drunk and shit)

Say I should give you up

(For adoption. I should give you up for adoption.)

Can't hear them no, 'cause I

(I can't hear people talk because you keep screaming)

I've been here all night

(This child is fussy and I haven't slept, yet)

I've been here all day

(It's 2:34 AM and I seriously haven't slept since yesterday.)

And boy, got me walkin' side to side

(That seems to be the only way to get my son to quit his bitchin')

I've been here all night

(This child is fussy and I haven't slept, yet)

I'be been here all day

(It's 2:34 AM and I seriously haven't slept since yesterday.)

And boy, got me walkin' side to side (Side to side)
(That seems to be the only way to get my son to quit his bitchin')

Been tryna hide it

(I'm so tired that I am using meth to keep awake at work)

Baby what's it gonna hurt if they don't know? 

(That I dropped you)

Makin' everybody think that we solo

(I'mma trap someone into taking baby-sitting)

Just as long as you know you got me (You got me)

(I'l come back, once you're 18 years old)

And boy I got ya

(I just picked you up, but I through out my back)

'Cause tonight I'm making deals with the devil

(I'd sell my soul for a solid 30-minute nap)

And I know it's gonna get me in trouble

(Souls aren't important, right?)

Just as long as you know you got me

 (I had to switch arms because my hips are out of place)

These friends keep talkin' way too much

(About how they're all happy and drunk and shit)

Say I should give you up

(For adoption. I should give you up for adoption.)

Can't hear them no, 'cause I

(I can't hear people talk because you keep screaming)

I've been here all night

(This child is fussy and I haven't slept, yet)

I've been here all day

(It's 2:34 AM and I seriously haven't slept since yesterday.)

And boy, got me walkin' side to side

(That seems to be the only way to get my son to quit his bitchin')

I've been here all night

(This child is fussy and I haven't slept, yet)

(Been here all night baby)

(Please sleep)

I've been here all day

(It's 2:34 AM and I seriously haven't slept since yesterday.)

(Been here all day baby)
(Please sleep)
And boy, got me walkin' side to side (Side to side)
(That seems to be the only way to get my son to quit his bitchin')

This the new style with the fresh type of flow
(That's a new smell from your diaper)

Wrist icicle, ride dick bicycle
(You blew out both the front and back of that diaper)

Come true yo, get you this type of flow

(WHOAH THAT'S A SPECIAL SMELL!)

If you wanna menage I got a tricycle
(I've changed you three times in the same goddamn hour)

All these bitches, flows is my mini me
(You look like me)

Body smoking, so they call me young Nicki chimney
(You are very warm, and snuggling makes me sweaty.)

Rappers in they feelings cause they feelin' me
(I wrapped you in a blanket, and now you're also sweaty)

Uh, I-I give zero fucks and I got zero chill in me
(Seriously, I'm tired and goddamn it I am sweaty) 

Kissing me, copped the blue box that say Tiffany
(You're drooling, and I have a bruise from your kicking)

Curry with the shot, just tell 'em to call me Stephanie
(I'm sweaty, like I took a curry shot. Call me Stephanie) 

Gun pop and I make my gum pop
(I am so tired I want to die. Also, I choked on my gum.) 

I'm the queen of rap, young Ariana run pop
(I am great at changing diapers. I call your poo-poo Ariana)

These friends keep talkin' way too much
(About how they're all happy and drunk and shit)

Say I should give you up

(For adoption. I should give you up for adoption.)

Can't hear them no, 'cause I

(I can't hear people talk because you keep screaming)

I've been here all night

(This child is fussy and I haven't slept, yet)

I've been here all day

(It's 2:34 AM and I seriously haven't slept since yesterday.)

And boy, got me walkin' side to side

(That seems to be the only way to get my son to quit his bitchin')

I've been here all night

(This child is fussy and I haven't slept, yet)

(Been here all night baby)

(Please sleep)

I've been here all day

(It's 2:34 AM and I seriously haven't slept since yesterday.)

(Been here all day baby)
(Please sleep)
And boy, got me walkin' side to side (Side to side)
(That seems to be the only way to get my son to quit his bitchin')

This the new style with the fresh type of flow
(That's a new smell from your diaper)

Wrist icicle, ride dick bicycle
(You blew out both the front and back of that diaper)

Come true yo, get you this type of flow

(WHOAH THAT'S A SPECIAL SMELL!)

If you wanna menage I got a tricycle
(I've changed you three times in the same goddamn hour)

____________________________________

Moral of the Story: I need to sleep. Also, I've never seen the music video for the song.