Baby Daddy 44: My Son is Batman

YAAASSSS!!!! SO I just posted about my pending trip to China. The shitty part is that I wrote that story a week or so ago. The problem is that I will write a story, or part of a story, get distracted, do some other shit, and then come back later to finish it. Then I need to find the right meme or picture to go with the story. And that is hard as shit. Why? Because it needs to be funny to me. That's right. You thought I wrote this shit for you? HA! Okay, maybe I do. But fuck you, I write it for me. These stories make me happy. And with no further ado, I bring you the next installment.

My son is an interracial baby. That's right. He's a mix of Chinese and American. And I know what some people are going to say: "Not all American's are white, asshole!" And you know what, you're right! But if I say, "White American", then every reader is going to say, "Well fuck that hood-wearing-klansman-racist-Trump-loving-twat right there!" And Fuck. That. Everything about that description can go fuck itself.

(Fuck This Guy, and Fuck This Message)

So allow me to clarify. According to the DNA spit-test, I am 50% European Jew, 13% Irish-English, and almost everything else is Northern European (Scandinavia, Russia, shit like that). I was at a bagel shop once, and asked why/how everyone around me was wearing a hoodie, while I was sweating. One friend asked if I happened to have any Northern European blood in me. I calmly look at them, and said, "...Look at me...". I have blonde hair, blue eyes, and am whiter than snow. I literally glow in the dark. My powerlifting posts are liked by a group called Nordic Strength, which says they honor their viking kinsman (whatever the fuck that means).

So when I say my son is mixed, he truly is. Now my wife and I were talking about how we need to make sure that my son realizes he is both Chinese, and Jewish-American. My wife then continued to say, "He needs to know that he is both. He is like a bat. You know, he can fly and party with the birds because he has wings. He can also get food stamps with the mammals. Our son is Batman."

Wait, what? What happened that mammals are suddenly broke as fuck and needing food stamps? Seems a bit racist against the mammals. What makes birds so great? In response to my questions, my wife explained that birds can fly. That's why they're in a higher social class. And they used to be dinosaurs. Can mammals say that? No. All they do is sit on the ground.

I then imagined this turning political. I imagined Trump saying, "Mammals are great. I love mammals. But they need to make their own food. They can eat, you know what, a food chain. Ever heard of it? I have the best chains. Trump towers and Trump golf, are really the best. All the mammals agree." Of course, this would be as Trump takes a bite of McDonald's fries. Though, as I think about it, birds would be the top 1%. After all, they do tend to shit on people. Boom. Roasted.

Moral of the Story: My son is Batman, and my wife is racist against mammals. Oh, and hopefully my wife and I don't end up like Bruce and Martha Wayne.

Ignorance

So, I was going through the list of shit I want to write about, and realized that this would be a good one. First, I need to acknowledge that my previous several stories may not have been my best work. It happens. You know how it is. You say something, it's funny, everyone laughs, and then you try to make it into a story and it sucks. Somethings just do not translate well from spoken word to paper. It's like when they take a TV show and try to make it into a movie. Yes, the movie is rewarding, but I would much rather have the 100+ episodes that were originally scheduled to finish out the series, before the studio decided to say, "fuck it".

And now, onto the show! I realized that I am ignorant. Now don't get me wrong, I am not ignorant in the form of racist. I have said it before, and I will say it again, I hate and rip on everybody. I will talk shit about anyone and everyone, for the sake of humor and satire. No, when I say I am ignorant, I mean that I truly do not know. What am I ignorant about? China.

Let me explain. For those that know, and those that don't, I am traveling to China in February. I am fucking PSYCHED! At the same time, I realized that I am completely ignorant of what to expect. I was talking to my wife the other day, and we were discussing whether she should bring a stroller, or get some cheap, fold-up, bullshit stroller. The perk of the new one is that it fits into a suitcase. The perk of one we already have is that it won't bust its shit up when using it on a sidewalk.

Now as we are discussing this, I was envisioning my wife and son walking down a cobble-stone sidewalk, and a wheel popping off and hitting someone in the face. What didn't occur to me, of course, was that China has pavement and actual modernization. And then I realized, A) I am completely ignorant to what China looks like, 2) My basis for reference is completely fucked, and Green) My listing format is turbo-fucked. Seriously. I used a letter, a number, and a fucking color.

SO let me explain my logic. The only times that I have traveled internationally were to Canada, Poland, Israel, and Colombia. Canada is not a valid reference because they are basically the same as America. Or at least, they were. Now we have a Cheeto-In-Chief, and they have kicked our ass at progressive politics. Colombia doesn't count. It is in South America and full of cocaine. Also, depending on the area, you either have pavement or cobblestone. Poland doesn't count, because they got fucked UP in WWII. I mean, goddamn. They had a mix of pavement, cobblestone, and depression.

And then you have Israel. Now in many ways, I considered this to be an adequate comparison. After all, Israel and China reflect two of the oldest civilizations in the world. Of course, the fact that they are completely different - historically, geographically, and demographically - never fucking occurred to me. So here I am, thinking that China is going to be similar to Israel. Now, again, I am not being fair to Israel. I was thinking of Jerusalem - where you have a mix of pavement and cobblestone. I never even considered Tel Aviv, Haifa, or any other areas that were completely modernized.

So for some reason, I have assumed that I would be stepping back in time, into ancient China. In reality, I am stepping into one of the most modernized countries in the world. I mean literally, China has surpassed the US in industrialization. It wouldn't be so bad, but I realized that I half-way expected the weather to be the same. Israel is a fucking DESERT! The part of China that I will be in just had a massive SNOW STORM. Talk about fundamentally different! I mean, seriously. you'd have thought I was expecting a war with fucking Hezbollah on this trip.

Not only did I assume that China would be like Jerusalem, I assumed that they never modernized. I started worrying if I could feed my coffee addiction. Now keep in mind, I typically drink close to 50 ounces of coffee per day. Yes, I know it is a problem. Yes, step one is admitting I have a problem. And yes, you can go fuck yourself with that step two bullshit. I love coffee and would have it in an IV if I thought it would work. I would snort that shit, if I were not afraid of having stuff go up my nose.

And in all my concern, I asked my wife if China had coffee. OF COURSE they have coffee. The spheres of influence fucked China up hard, and the Western Devils brought that shit over. And OF COURSE I am going to drink tea instead. You never hear of China being known for coffee. You don't hear about Juan Valdez making it over the Great Wall. No. I have it on good authority that China does not have hardly any Latin American immigrants. It's just not a thing.

Moral of the Story: I am completely ignorant of what to expect on my trip to China, and completely open to being enlightened. Also, I was equating two countries that are nearly 4,000 miles apart, and literally completely different. Also, don't snort coffee grounds.