Motherfucking China 2: Culture Shock

So I have some stories that are longer and some that are shorter. I am saving the final, more serious story for the end. Why? Because good movies often end on a serious note. But fuck that. I like to add humor. Anyway, when I woke up in Xi'an, I realized that China is NOTHING like what I thought.

First of all, China is industrialized and modern. Yes, the poor areas are broke as fuck. I mean, they are "Hey, this building has partially collapsed, but I was able to move my shit to the other corner, so now I have a third wall, because there were only two before" poor. At the same time, the industrial and modern (read: not broke) parts of China are fucking AMAZING! Like, the broke-ass areas look like Communism in the 80's, which is what I expected. The areas with money, however, really show where the US is lacking.

There were small things that made all the difference. China had traffic lights that showed the timer for each light. Nobody ran the traffic signal, because everyone knew if they had 17 seconds, or 1 second, before the light changed. There was also public access to bikes. You scan a bar-code with your phone, it unlocks the bike, and you can ride wherever you want to go. And with the traffic congestion, you are not likely to get hit by a driver. You may get honked at, but not hit. I will discuss driving in a later post.

This brings me to another part. China has everything set up so you can pay with your phone. I have seen the US moving toward this, but China is already there. You open up WeChat. You can then provide a barcode, or scan a barcode. And through that, you pay for EVERYTHING! Literally. Except for subway tickets, you can get anything with that app. The US is moving that direction, but China has already set it up and consolidated it.

In Xi'an, they also have the Golden Shower Hotel. I know it is not meant to be dirty, but goddamn. I saw that and suddenly realized that Donald Trump must have stayed there. BAM! Political roast. I also saw a park named after Chechnya. My wife pointed it out, and I could not help but laugh. I mean, seriously? Let's name a park after one of the shittiest, most depressing places in the world. I will blame Communism for that one, too.

Because there are no firearms allowed in the general public, the cops are woefully under prepared. They have riot shields, an a long pole with a curved rod at the end. The rod is so that they can pin assailants against the wall. Then some have an added stick, so that they can bop the assailants on the head. Of course, the cops are also very nice. One night, my wife and I were drinking with her friends. We got a bit loud, and the police were called. They came over, and apologized for having to disrupt the party. I mean, seriously? I don't think Canadian police are that apologetic and non-confrontational.

The other part is that WiFi is everywhere in China. We went to an ancient palace, with a tree that was 300 years old. On the side, there was a sign for WiFi. Who knew their network was that fucking old? When we went to see the Terracotta Soldiers, we also noticed that China has some fucked up signs. There was an inner city, and outer city. Both had a map indicating, "You Are Here". Except the marker was not on the map. Literally, in the entire map, we were located under the text discussing each city.

There is a lot more to be shared, but it is starting to get into specific details. This is an overview, as we get ready for the more detailed stories.

Moral of the Story: I expected to see an 80's or 90's era Communist country, and I was wrong. China has us beat. Also, I wish the US was consolidated into a singular payment method like WeChat. Also, I like the humor of referencing Trump and the Golden Shower Hotel. Suck it, Donnie.

 

Motherfucking China 1: The Beginning

HOOOOLLLLYYYYYY SHHHHIIIIIIIT! I don't know what I am saying that to. Am I saying it for how long it took to write another story? Or is it because I went to MOTHERFUCKING CHINA! SO much happened on that trip. I mean, goddamn was it intense! So much so, that I finally have a chance to write about it. Unfortunately, China blocks all Google shit, and my blog is hosted through the Googs. Fortunately, I was still able to take notes and a copious quantity of pictures. So without further ado, I am going to translate each of my notes in a new series: Motherfucking China.

Now, it should be noted that my first experience with this trip was at the airport. Technically it started when I saw a buddy of mine at the airport, before I flew to Chicago. That was great. I don't know if I have referred to him before, so I will call the man Grant. We laughed, took a selfie, and that was it. My flight was delayed, he left, then I left, and the trip began.

I landed in Chicago, AKA Chi-raq, AKA Chi-City, AKA fuck that airport. I managed to get through security and all that other bullshit, and got to the gate. I did not realize how important Spring Festival is to China, until I saw over 100 Chinese people waiting to get on the plane. And boy did they freak when they saw this Jewish white boy show up. If you have never felt 100 eyes staring at you, you have not lived the awkward life. And boy was it fun.

The flight was alright. I watched a couple of Marvel movies, slept a little, and had several beers. Did you know alcohol was complimentary on international flights to/from Beijing? I didn't either. It almost makes the flight worth taking, simply for free booze.

Anyway, I landed in Beijing, and HOLY SHIT! I was in CHINA! Do you know my first experience? I saw a sign for Customs and Immigration, and a sign that said, "Foreigners". Of course, I had called my wife, and started giggling hysterically that I was finally a foreigner. I also started humming along to "Feels Like the First Time" and "Hot Blooded", both by the band Foreigner. That's also a lie. I experienced such a sensory overload that my brain was fucking empty.

As I was walking through security, however, I had my first experience with the cultural change. No, it wasn't the language. No, it wasn't metal detectors. What was it? The proud sneezer. As I was getting my luggage from baggage claim, I suddenly heard, "HAAA CHHOOUUUAAAHHHCCCHHHAA!" I look over, and this guy just fucking sprayed the airport with his sneeze. I mean, he projectiled that shit like he was declaring war and claiming the land for his. He then looked around like, "Yeah motherfuckers, I just sneezed. What now, bitches?" He had his hands on his hips, pushing he belly forward, and was fucking proud.

I thought this may be a singular experience, until a few days later. I was on an escalator, and some woman did the same exact thing. Another guy sneezed, coughed, cleared his throat, and spat. On the escalator! You want to talk about gross? Talk about the person whose poor coat got soaked in spit and mucus. Yes, that loogie hit some poor soul in the back. They didn't even know.

Anyways, I made it from Beijing to Xi'an via a local flight, and was picked up by my wife and her family's driver. We ate something quick, and crashed for the night. That was the start of the adventure.

Moral of the Story: I made it to fucking China, and they are incredibly proud of their bodily functions.