Time to Man Up (Listen to Terry!)

SO I don't know if I have already talked about this, or not. I know I tried to post in other social media, but fuck that. I can't link that shit to this shit until doing so doesn't put me at risk of losing my job. Let's be honest, telling the general public to go fuck themselves does not really meet with "civility training". Little known fact: If you don't act like a sexist, racist, shitty human being, civility training is really unnecessary. And if you do act like a sexist, racist, shitty human being, then kindly go fuck yourself and learn to suck less.

Speaking of shitty human beings, Starbucks is shutting down for a day to do training nationwide (in the U.S.). SO MANY people started talking shit about how Starbucks should not be doing this, how they are losing money, and how they will lose customers. My thought is that anyone who boycotts Starbucks because they are trying to do civlity training is a goddamn asshole. Starbucks is saying, "Hey, we had ambiguous policy and want to remind employees not to be racist dicks.". Anyone opposed to that has to reevaluate whether they, themselves, are racist dicks. As for me, I'mma get a trenta coffee and fucking snort the coffee grounds from the Starbucks counter. Also, I may be going through caffeine withdrawal.

BUT! That is not the point! The point is that I am sick and tired of the (failing) standard for men. Last week, I got bamboozled! I saw people posting on social media about being fathers and husbands, saying, "this is my most_____ job". You can fill in the blank with anything: rewarding, important, valuable, whatever-the-fuck. Sounds sweet and endearing, right? WRONG!

Here is my issue. You can quit a fucking job. If I scrub toilets at McDonald's, and I wake up and think, "Naw, I'm tired of that shitty ass job.", then I just fucking quit that job. I may be homeless, I may be broke, but I don't have that job. You don't get to quit being a father or a husband. That shit is part of you now. That is part of who you are. Whether you want it to be or not, tough shit. Sure, you can get a divorce. That's fine. You don't have to stay in a marriage. And half the people out there should not be in the marriages that they are.

But when it comes to being a father, you are pretty much stuck with that one. If I don't want to go to work, I call in sick or take leave time. If I don't want to work as a father, guess what? My kid is still expecting me to pick him up and hug him. And guess what? If my wife has a shit day and needs a night alone with a bottle of wine, I am on parent duty. It's called being a loving and considerate husband/father.

And I got news for anyone who's expecting a kid. Shit gets real. That first several weeks is sucks hard. I spent so much time worrying about my wife and postpartum depression. I spent so much time worrying over how to properly care for the kid. It is hard. And fuck Hollywood. I see more shows about how the husband is off drinking with his buddies, while the wife is home - caring for the baby and miserable. That is bullshit. Anyone in that position needs to act like a goddamn adult and take care of their family.

This leads to the next issue I have. I hate when people say, "I found my princess" or "I married my prince". I'm sorry, but fuck that. In most stories, the princess is a helpless damsel, looking to be saved. In modern society, calling someone a princess can suggest that they are entitled and looking for a sugar-daddy. The title of prince is....okay.....(ugh). In story tales, the prince usually stops the antagonist and saves the girl. In modern society, Prince was a phenomenal artist and may he rest in peace.

BUT! I fucking hate the idea of people saying they found a prince or princess. I never once had that notion. When I first met my wife, I told her that I viewed her as a queen. For her part, she referred to me as a king. What's more, we view ourselves as warriors. If we are to follow the allegory, she and I view each other as warrior rulers. I have never considered my wife to be a girl needing saving. She is a woman that can destroy any obstacle. I don't consider myself to be some prince, seeking to save a damsel. I am a man who will build an empire.

At what point did it become okay for men to settle? If you look at what is depicted these days, it is half-way expected that a guy will come in, find a girl, marry her, have a kid with her, and go off gallivanting while she takes care of the child. Keep in mind that we are assuming the marriage before birth thing. How the fuck did that become the expectation?

I believe in the man that views himself a king, and seeks a queen. I believe in the man that has vision for himself and his future, and enters a relationship seeking a partner - not some girl to save. I believe in the man that builds his empire, along side his queen. I believe in the man that has a child, and takes active interest in the upbringing of that child. I believe in the man that does what he can, and does what he must, to protect his queen and his offspring. And I believe in the man that raising his children to be young kings and queens, themselves.

Moral of the Story: We need to set a better standard for men, as well as all people. Also, I really want Starbucks.

The Jeffersons (Movin' On Up!)

GOOOOOOD MOOOORRRRNNNIIIINNNNG! Or Good Evening, if you are reading this in the evening. So I know I am behind in my stories. Rather than another potential Motherfucking China story, I thought I would shake things up. No, this is not about international shit. This is about my real goddamn life! What am I talking about? Moving. Yes, I said it. We have moved!

As you may or may not have known, my wife and I have a son. If you didn't know, I literally have almost 50 fucking stories about being a Baby Daddy. Where the shit have you been? That's not important. I mean, it may be. If you were somewhere really cool, you should share that shit, yo. But I digress. No, I am talking about having moved. IN December, my wife and I found the perfect house. It had a floor plan we liked, a neighborhood we liked, and was at a price we could afford. And what did we do? We moved. 

Now why is this important? Because we are in SUCH a nice neighborhood. I mean, my first thought was "this is rich people's neighborhood". Now don't get me wrong, we are not rich. In fact, the only reason why this property was affordable is because we live in an area of the country that is relatively cheap as shit. With that said, holy fuck is the new place nice. I mean, we went from a neighborhood that had the neighbor kid selling dope, to one where the neighbors are old, retired, and driving Cadillac. 

I am literally the most gangster person on our block. With a tattoo, scars, and love of training, I am certainly the most hardcore. That may not be true. After all, there are some middle school and high school kids on the block. I also do not put anything past old people. Some are mild mannered, but some are hard as fuck and terrifying. It's all fun and games until the little old lady does a keg stand and calls you a punk bitch. Remember that. 

But what gives me intense joy right now? Mowing the lawn. Here's the reason why. Our neighborhood is set up so that everyone's mailbox is on the edge of their neighbors lawn. For us, it is easy to see the line. We have trees to mark the property. For the neighbor to our left, it is much harder. They have lawn near their mailbox, and that lawn runs into ours. 

Why does this matter? Because this neighborhood actually give a damn about their lawn. The peple across the street mow every fucking week, and always stripe the shit out of the yard. For those that don't know, striping is when you put nice lines in the yard. It's used often in sports, and by people who give way to many fucks about grass. 

Now here is where I have to laugh. I am the last one to mow our yard. I'm busy with work, companies, and a kiddo. It just takes a lot of work for me to make mowing a priority. And so, as a result, I always end up mowing after my neighbor to the left has let his go for a few days. Why does that matter? Because I cannot see the fucking property line. As a result, I end up mowing the entire fucking thing, including the part of the lawn that is on the neighbor's side. Keep in mind, this is a small little strip of grass. 

The first time I did that, I started chuckling to myself. My wife asked why, and I said it was because of the neighbor. See, when I mowed that strip, it made that one piece look clean and the rest of their yard (the large yard on the other side of their driveway) look unkempt. As a result, it looked like they had a fucked up yard. It was gorgeous, of course, but not freshly mowed. Suddenly, I heard a noise outside. 

I immediately started to bellow a laugh, as I looked out to see our neighbor start mowing his lawn. Not only did I indirectly force the man to mow, but he re-mowed the little section near his mailbox. I laughed even harder a week later, when his neighbor on the other side mowed, and made the guy's yard look unkempt again. Between the two of us, I think we can probably make that fella burn quite a bit of fuel. When I explained the humor to my wife, she calmly said, "You're a terrible person."

Moral of the Story: We have moved to a nice neighborhood, I'm relatively gangster, and I am an inadvertent dick to my neighbor. Oh, and I still don't know the property line for that yard.